The First Key to Happiness

We are all searching for happiness. I mean, who doesn’t want to be happy? It’s all anyone wants. But how can we find it?

‘We will never experience happiness if we always focus on what we don’t have and give into this need of wanting more. Not the happiness we’re looking for anyway. Yes we can buy a temporary version of it, but it never lasts long. I’m not talking about that kind of happiness. I’m talking about something deeper. I’m talking about a happiness that brings contentment, purpose and a joy that does last. That is what we really desire. And I believe it is attainable. What’s more, I believe I have it. The secrets to happiness. The key to unlocking those secrets was right in front of me the entire time, and the same is true for you. I believe the answer lies right underneath your nose. The key is this: The things that bring real joy aren’t the things we buy, but are in fact the things that are already freely given to us by someone who created us to enjoy them! It does not come in many forms, but in three:
1. Our relationships
2. …
3. …

‘The Secrets to Happiness’
https://tiffanyjade.blog/2019/02/22/the-secrets-to-happiness/

For some reason, we are under the illusion that we don’t have everything we need to be happy, so we go looking for it. We get stuck in the past, wishing we could go back or we look to the future, impatient for the “next best thing” instead of being ‘present in the moment.’ We look around at what everyone else has rather than what we already have ourselves. We look at what we don’t have instead of what we already do have, trying to buy happiness. We look anywhere but right in front of us. And this translates into our relationships. And when I say relationships, I am not just referring to romantic ones. I am referring to all kinds of relationships. Friends, family, work colleagues… the whole lot!

One of the most successful TV shows has to be F.R.I.E.N.D.S. I know so many people who watch repeats over and over and still aren’t bored of it. The writing is absolutely genius and it is such a funny, feel good show. It’s a feel good show because they are living the ideal life. Everyone wants what they have. Everyone wants a tight group of friends that are there for them through the good times and the bad. That’s all anyone wants. People to hang out with every day and do life together! People who make us laugh and comfort us when we need them. People who know everything about us – warts and all – and still love us more than anything else in the world. It’s what we long for.

We dream about the relationships we haven’t got yet. The kind of relationships we wish for, the people we will eventually meet one day. We reminisce about past relationships, people we miss but will probably never see again. We seethe with jealousy when we look at other people’s relationships and see how much they all get on with each other. How they always look like they’re having the best time together and care about each other so much. We genuinely believe that they have a better relationship with their friends/partner/family than we have with ours. But it’s time to start calling these beliefs what they really are…

Lies.

It is a lie that we have to wait for the best relationships.
It is a lie that the best relationships we will ever have are in the past.
It is a lie that we have absolutely no one in our lives that will ever care about us.
And the most convincing one, it is a lie that everyone’s relationships are better than yours. This is the one that has fooled people the most. The vast majority of us compare our lives and our relationships with others, and believe what they have is better.

‘Comparison is the thief of joy’

Theodore Roosevelt

Theodore Roosevelt could not have said it more clearly even if he tried. I even named one of my blogs with this saying https://tiffanyjade.blog/2018/10/13/friends-part-3/ Comparison does exactly this! It robs us from experiencing real joy. Instagram is terrible for it! It has become a place where people compare their lowlights against everyone else’s highlights. We see all these beautifully edited pictures of different people having fun with their partner/friends/family and it all seems so unattainable. They all look so happy and so close and as we reflect on our own lives, we believe that we don’t have that. When we start to compare we are suggesting that they have something better than us. People don’t care about us that way. Our friends aren’t as cool as them. Our partner isn’t as thoughtful or affectionate as theirs.
This very popular lie is quite literally stealing our joy. It is blinding us from seeing the blessings all around us. It is – unbeknown to us – slowly turning us into an ungrateful generation, and ungrateful people are never happy. It is ungratefulness that causes us to hurt and replace people we know. I would even dare to say it is ungratefulness that causes people to cheat. It is ungratefulness that brings out the worst in us. It is ungratefulness that causes us to hate our lives. And if we continue to look at what everyone else has and be envious of it, I fear that we will never be happy.

The Better Spade
I used to work in a nursery and I remember one day I was playing in the sand with a little girl. We both had a spade and bucket each and I was scooping up the sand into the bucket. The little girl sat and watched me for a while before holding out her own spade towards me. She wanted to trade, so I swapped mine for hers. She took it happily and started to dig, so I continued to scoop the sand into the bucket. After a while though, I noticed she has stopped and was watching me again. Once again, she held out her spade towards me so we could trade. This happened repeatedly again and again. She was convinced that I was using the better spade. We both had exactly the same resources. We both had the same kind of spade. Mine wasn’t shiny or bigger or special in any way. The only difference was that I was focussing on what I had and she wasn’t. She was too busy looking at me. In her mind, she was convinced that I had something better than her and she wanted it. But I didn’t.  I just knew how to enjoy it. (As much as an adult can enjoy using a bucket and spade.)
What’s more, even when I did give her what I had and took what she had, she was still convinced that I had something better. The reason I’ve shared this little story is because I think this is what we do with relationships. But here is the truth in black and white.

Other people’s relationships aren’t better than yours. The grass isn’t greener on the other side. It is greener where you water it. People who seem to have better relationships than you don’t actually have better relationships than you. They have just learnt how to enjoy them.

This right here is the first key to happiness.
To know that the people who can give us what we’re looking for are already in our lives. They’re not lost in our past, and they’re not waiting for us in our future. They are here now. We have ALL been given amazing people. They are blessings that we never had to look for. Gifts that we never had to buy. They are people who are already freely given to us. Happiness just comes from knowing what we’ve already got and be thankful for it. We simply need to open our eyes and see them. Then we need to put the work in. Once we understand that we already have what we are looking for, the next step is to put in the effort. People make time for people they trust and people trust people who care about them. So the effort we are putting in is showing them bit by bit that we care about them. That they mean something to us and we are there for them. That we are trustworthy. The kind of relationships we’re looking for take time and care. If we are willing to do that, then we can ALL have the relationships we desire. I honestly believe that positive relationships do have the power to bring deep joy, real happiness and life to the full. They are worth every bit of effort. To care for someone and have someone care for you is everything. This is why I genuinely believe it is so important to teach our children to be thankful. When we teach our children to be thankful, we teach them so much more than just manners. We show them how to be happy!

How to make your side greener
In my blog, ‘Friends. How to keep them,’ I talk about how laziness is a killer!
If you want some practical ideas on how to tackle laziness head on then give it a read. https://tiffanyjade.blog/2018/06/24/friends/
I am a big believer in extravagant love. Going out of your way for people. I’ve not mastered it, but it’s what I strive to do`. I want to forgive always. Be there to help practically or financially. I want to surprise my friends with a random gift or surprise, just because I love them. I want everything I say to be good and encouraging so it builds people up rather than tears them down. I want to help people realise how amazing they really are and reach their potential. I want to be affectionate, loving and give all the time I can. I want to give my full attention when I’m with people and not be staring at my phone. I want to always be fun and bring joy to people’s lives. Be there to celebrate when things are going well for them. Never jealous of them, but instead be their biggest supporter.  I want to always be there when poo hits the fan. I’m aware that sometimes people don’t need me to fix their problems, they just need someone who won’t judge them. Someone who will simply listen. I want to be thankful for my husband, my family and my friends. I want them to know they are appreciated and loved more than they could ever know.

 I’ll be honest, I am a million miles away from being all of these things. There are times when I do start comparing and there are days when I wish I had “what other people have.” And it is those days where I am unhappy with my life. Why? Because I become ungrateful. But on the days where I am thankful – and that is becoming the majority of the time now thanks to Jesus helping me train my brain to think differently – I am blissfully happy for my life and everything in it because I am aware I already have what “everyone else has.” Even when I’ve gone through tricky situations, life has still been amazing because I know what I have vastly outweighs the rubbish. Like I said, I am a million miles away from being everything I want to be, but even making these small changes has made a massive impact in my life.

I used to feel like I didn’t have many good friends and that people didn’t care about me. But if I was to be brutally honest, I didn’t put an awful lot of time into them either and always daydreamed about having “better friends.” (Whatever they are?)  I got out what I put in. But over the last couple of years where myself and my husband have made “making time for people” a priority, people have changed towards us. We have friends and family who would do anything for us and look forward to seeing us. They put as much into us as we put into them. Long distance hasn’t been an issue with our ‘Long distance’ friends. We are just as close to them… in fact we have grown with them more than ever. Even when I have screwed up royally, our relationships have been strong enough to withstand it. And why? Because we are thankful for those people in our lives and they know it!
I live my life surrounded by people that I love who love me in return, and nothing has brought me more joy than that. And not because life has been a smooth ride. I’m not saying that, because it certainly hasn’t. Even over the past year, I have experienced things that almost floored me. But through it all, I have had people in my corner, loving and supporting me and that has filled me with joy. That is the happiness I am talking about. Not the feeling that is affected by circumstance, but a thankfulness and joy inside that lasts despite circumstance. Because like I said before, I know what I have vastly outweighs all the rubbish. I don’t believe that the people in my life are better than the people in anyone else’s lives. I am simply thankful and because of that, I am happy.