What is Love?

Relationships are amazing things, but for some reason they are not lasting as long as they used to these days. Why is that? I think it may be because there are certain false truths we have grown up believing whether we are aware of it or not. Relationships will never last if we hold onto these lies. If we want to see relationships that last a life time, it’s important to start changing the way we think. We need to start identifying the lies and replace them with truth.

Lie – Love is about feelings. 
I love films and music just as much as the next person, so I have definitely noticed there is a popular genre that never seems to get old in both the film and music scene. Even if you hate both of these things, it would still be pretty hard to avoid the massive hype that is ‘falling in love.’ It’s everywhere! On TV, the radio, books, social media. Everybody loves a good romance story.  There isn’t much out there that gets more likes on Facebook than the change of a relationship status. It was probably for this reason why I and every other teenager grew up so determined to find ‘the one,’ in my life. That one person who you would fall in love with and have this amazing connection with. We are told over and over again that when we meet that special person, sparks will fly and we will be flooded with a rush of intense feelings which will last for the rest of our lives.
I think it is this seemingly romantic belief that is the death of healthy relationships. It seems like such a beautiful, perfect dream, but in reality it is an unrealistic view of what relationships are meant to be like.

My point is not that romance in music or films is wrong, but simply we must realise that they are only telling us the beginning of the story. Of course there is spark when you start a relationship with someone you like because it’s new and exciting. They are new and exciting. You don’t know how they feel about you, what they are going to say, what they will do. It’s unpredictable. But the more you get to know that person, the less ‘new’ it’s going to become. They start becoming familiar. At the start, you will see only what they want you to see because they want to impress you. Likewise you will only show them what you want them to see because you want to impress them. And the feelings are so intense that you can’t help but tell them how they make you feel. You can’t help but spend time with them, chat with them for hours, do absolutely anything for them. At the start, they are on their best behaviour just like you, carefully choosing what they will show you. It isn’t until you get to know each other really well before you both start to relax and become more comfortable, and that is when people start to let their guards down. It’s later on when the perfect person becomes a little less perfect. It’s later on when they start to reveal annoying little habits that you never saw before. It’s later on when it becomes more of an effort to be on your best behaviour all the time and the disagreements happen. And it is this stage that the film and music industry don’t show us.
They show us the beginning spark, they don’t show us years later when our relationship changes. And so we start to measure our two year – three year – four year – relationship alongside a brand new exciting relationship and guess who loses? We are led to believe that our relationship should be like the films, but that is not reality. That’s when the question, ‘do I still love you?’ starts to take over in our thoughts. We start to realise ‘the spark has gone,’ and as that is what we perceive as a normal relationship, we end it and find someone new, only to repeat the same vicious cycle over and over.

Is it love?
I was 19 years old when I met my first boyfriend, because I grew up not just wanting a boyfriend, but the boyfriend. I didn’t want to waste my time on guys that weren’t the real deal, so I walked away a few times before I finally said yes to Jonny. He was different from other guys I’d liked in the past and it was very difficult to figure out what he was thinking. He kept his thoughts and feelings quite close to his chest so I only knew the limited amount of what he had told me. We had liked each other for a long time before he eventually asked me out. So when he finally did ask me out I was ecstatic that he wanted me. I made it Facebook official and threw myself in. The first two years were exactly what I’d hoped they’d be. He met my friends and family and slotted in perfectly. We hung out all the time and he started to let me in. He started to tell me how he felt about me and we shared our thoughts and dreams with each other. We would talk for hours and hours and he took me on some amazing dates. The more I learnt about him, the more I fell in love with him. It was everything I had dreamed about. But then something happened that I didn’t expect. About two years in, Jonny started to get really annoying. I began to notice little things he did that I hadn’t noticed before which really got on my nerves. Slowly over time he didn’t seem so perfect anymore and I started to care less about how I acted around him. We started to argue a lot and very soon I didn’t feel the same way I did before. All the spark we had vanished and honestly, he felt more like a friend to me. I went on Facebook and Instagram and it came to my attention how many of my friends looked happy in their relationships. I looked at their perfectly edited pictures where they looked so happy and so in love and I started worrying that I didn’t have what they had. I wanted what they had. I continued listening to music and watching films and seeing people fall in love again and again and the more I watched it, the worse I felt. I considered ending things with Jonny because I felt like I didn’t love him anymore and I felt horrible for it. Jonny and I spoke about how things were a little bit difficult at that point in our relationship, but I never shared the full extent of what was really going on in my head because I didn’t want to hurt him or possibly end ‘us’ whilst I was this confused. I didn’t know what I wanted, so for ages I didn’t tell anyone. Instead I looked to Google for wisdom. I learned quickly that other people felt this way but I didn’t learn a lot else. No one seemed to talk about this, so I tackled these feelings on my own for months before I finally reached out to one or two people. And after a few more months of kind of talking about it, someone lent me a book called, ‘The Five Love Languages,’ written by Gary Chapman. In it, he says this:
At its peak, the “in-love “experience is euphoric. We are emotionally obsessed with each other. We go to sleep thinking of one another. When we rise, that person is the first thought on our minds. We long to be together. Spending time is like playing in the anteroom of heaven. When we hold hands, it seems as if our blood flows together. We could kiss forever if we didn’t have to go to school or work. When we embrace, time seems to stop. The person who is in love – let’s call her Jen – has the illusion that her beloved is perfect. Her best friend can see the flaws – it bothers her how he talked to Jen sometimes – but Jen won’t listen… We have been led to believe that if we really are in love, it will last forever. We will always have the wonderful feelings that we have at this moment. Nothing could ever come between us. Nothing will ever overcome our love for each other. We are caught up in the beauty and charm of each other’s personality. Our love is the most wonderful thing we have ever experienced. We observe that some married couples seem to have lost that feeling, but it will never happen to us. “Maybe they didn’t have the real thing,” we reason. Unfortunately, the eternality of the in – love” experience is fiction, not fact. The late psychologist Dr. Dorothy Tennov conducted long – range studies on the in love phenomenon. After studying scores of couples, she concluded that the average life span of a romantic obsession is two years. If it is a secret love affair, it may last a little longer. Eventually however, we all descend from the clouds and plant our feet on Earth again. Our eyes are opened, and we see the warts of the other person. Her endearing “quirks” are now merely annoying. His sharp sense of humour now wounds. Those little bumps we overlooked when we were in love now become huge mountains…We fall out of love, and at that point either we withdraw, separate, divorce, and set off in search of a new love experience…
Research seems to indicate there is a third and better alternative: We can recognise the in love experience for what it was – a temporary emotional high – and now pursue “real love” with our spouse. That kind of love is emotional in nature but not obsessional. It is a love that unites reason and emotion. It involves the act of the will and requires discipline; and it recognises the need for personal growth. Our most basic need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know that a love grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving. That kind of love requires effort and discipline. It is the choice to expend energy in an effort to benefit the other person, knowing that if his or her life is enriched by your effort, you too will find a sense of satisfaction – the satisfaction of having genuinely loved another. It does not require the euphoria of the “in love” experience. In fact, true love cannot begin until the “in love” experience has run its course. We cannot take credit for the kind and generous things we do whilst under the influence of the obsession. We are pushed and carried along by an instinctual force that goes beyond our normal behaviour patterns. But if, once we return to the real world of human choice, we choose to be kind and generous, that is real love. (Chapman, 1995) 

Love isn’t just a feeling. Love is a choice.
This saved my entire relationship for two reasons.
1) I realised that it is a completely normal part of a relationship to loose ‘spark.’ Loads of people have felt this way and overcame it, and understanding this suddenly made my problem smaller. I wasn’t alone. Finally something made sense and finally I didn’t like the worst person in the world for feeling the way that I did. And loosing spark didn’t mean my relationship was over. It just meant my relationship was changing. Transitioning to a deeper level.
2) I finally understood that love isn’t just a feeling like the films suggest. Love isn’t just about the sparks. In this day and age we are told to follow our feelings, but if we actually take a look at feelings we can see that they are incredibly indecisive and impulsive. They are up and down and all over the place. Before Jonny, I met a few guys who were very led by their feelings which meant one minute they were completely head over heels for me and told me they were falling in love with me, but the next minute they were out of the door. Their feelings had changed and so they followed them elsewhere. That’s not love. That is being reckless with people’s hearts. As I’m a Christian I believe God speaks through the bible, and a verse in 1 John 3:18 says, ‘Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions.’ It’s so easy to say the words, but it’s a lot harder to show it. I learnt quickly that it can hurt to go out with feelings led people because their decisions are not necessarily set in stone. It’s all reliant on how they feel that day. Be careful of these people. Our own feelings can be just as confusing, and therefore it makes sense that the fate of our relationship shouldn’t be based on them. It should be based on something stronger. This line in particular stuck in my brain. ‘True love can only begin when the falling in love stage has run its course.’ The falling in love stage is when you can’t help but do things for them to impress them. It’s almost out of your control because you are infatuated by them. But we have to stop confusing infatuation for love. Love is an action. Love is a choice. The truth is, love isn’t just about us! True love requires hard work and it is about choosing the other person above yourself. It is thinking, “How can I show them I love them today?” Relationships grow healthy when we prefer them. It is kind and loyal and generous and trust worthy. True love is looking at who a person is and making the choice to love them for who they are despite how we feel that day. It is a thought through decision. It isn’t something we throw away when things get hard. It is a commitment. It is a stronger kind of love because it lasts. Another verse in the bible is 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 which says, ‘Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.’ I realised I didn’t want flimsy feelings led love. I wanted a love that would last. I realised that I could end me and Jonny and look elsewhere. But however long down the road, there was a high possibility I would eventually end up in exactly the same position feeling the same way with a different guy. But this guy may not be half the man that Jonny was, because despite what I was feeling, I always knew that Jonny was a good person. He cared about people. Put them first. Jonny had taken a long time to ask me out at the beginning of our relationship because he wanted to think about it and be sure. He wasn’t a feelings led guy. He told me that he was an all or nothing guy, and the second he asked me out he was all in. Jonny was trust worthy and loyal and kind. He made me a better person and he was always there for me. I looked at who Jonny was as a person instead of my feelings and made a decision that day that if I was going to choose to love anyone, I was going to choose to love Jonny. And if love is an action, that meant I actually had to do something about it. It meant instead of just sitting with Jonny in front of the TV and calling it quality time, sometimes I had to turn the TV off and give him my full attention. I had to start putting down my phone and talk to him. We had to plan thoughtful dates together. I still had to offer to make him a cup of tea or make him dinner even if I couldn’t be bothered. I had to tell him why I loved him every day even if I didn’t feel like it. I had to start choosing him over myself. Thinking of him before myself. So I did, and he did the same for me. I noticed that the more I did for him, the more he wanted to do for me. A few months later feelings began to come back. But not the butterfly feelings or spark. These feelings were deeper than that. We went to a deeper level and let each other in more than we ever had before. I didn’t even know different levels existed, but they did. And I wouldn’t have experienced this if I had just given up. Fast forward a few years and Jonny – knowing how much I adore Christmas – set up this beautiful Christmas scene in March, in our church with fairy lights, candles and photographs and proposed to me in the very place we got married in nine months later at Christmas.

Let’s talk about it.
I can’t tell you how many times since I read that book where I have had conversations with my friends who broke up with their boyfriends after roughly two years because ‘they just didn’t love him anymore.’ They had gone through the same confusion I had gone through and kept it to themselves until their decision had been made, because no one talks about it. We need to start talking about it, but that being said it is also extremely important who we decide we’re talking to. The best advice I ever received before I got married is if we ever had a disagreement, I needed to go to someone who champions Jonny. It is important to talk about what’s going on in your head, but when you are angry or confused the last thing you need is a friend who will add fuel to the fire and tell you how awful that person is. All that does is help create more issues and offence. If you go to someone who loves you both, you will be heard and supported but they will not attack your partner. They will encourage you to find a solution, maybe give your fresh perspective and good advice. Those are the kind of conversations that help save and grow healthy relationships. We need to start talking about it. And now I want to talk about it. I want to say that it is completely normal to loose spark and that doesn’t mean your relationship is over. I want to identify the lie that love is just about feelings because that almost made me throw away the best thing that ever happened to me. And I also want to talk about the things you don’t get to see a lot in films. The next part of the story.

The next part of the story…
I wouldn’t change the first two years of my relationship with Jonny because the beginning of a relationship is exciting. But the beginning also has its own flaws. Like I said before, at the start you only show the good side of yourself. The parts you want them to see which actually means there is a lot you are hiding. You are guarded because you want them to like you. You don’t trust that they won’t walk away if they see all of you. Later on, is when you start to trust them. You can trust that they love and accept you for who you are, good and bad. You can feel secure that they aren’t going anywhere. They are there to support you with your dreams and help you achieve them. They are there for every success, every failure, every new job, every failed job, every promotion, every meltdown, every birthday, every time you loose someone, every time you fall out with friends, every time you make up with friends, every family event, every life changing experience and the normal every day. You always have someone in your corner, cheering you on. Celebrating the good times and being there for you in the bad times. You have someone to talk to about what’s on your mind or how your days gone. You get to learn things together and achieve things together. At the start there may be spark, but later on you get to do life with your best friend who has chosen you and only you, and there is nothing that fills you with more love and security than that.
I don’t want people to ruin their chances of experiencing that all in the hope of getting feelings, because feelings are unreliable. They will always change. Real love is permanent, because it is the decision to keep on loving someone no matter what. If you are in a relationship where you are experiencing a similar doubt as I did, I would like to encourage you to change the way you think before you make any final decisions. Remember that your relationship is simply experiencing a natural, normal transition from one stage to another. Loosing spark isn’t necessarily the end of your relationship, but the beginning of a deeper connection and trust. Remember that love is an action and consider how you could show them love. How could you choose them over yourself today? If you do this it might just save your relationship as it did mine, and you might find that your relationship was worth saving.
Things you could try:

1) Get creative and cook them dinner
2) Offer to make them a drink
3) Pour them a bath – with or without candles and music
4) Do several chores around the house so they can relax
5) Try to ask them how their day has been
6) Sometimes switch off from the TV or your phone and just focus on them
7) Surprise them with a fun activity you’ve planned
8) Have some creative, quality conversation with each other
9) Think of some fun questions you can ask each other to get to know each other more
10) Set a day each week for ‘date night’ where you make time for each other only
11) Find out what your similar interests or hobbies are and do it together
12) If they like hugs, make sure you’re hugging them often
13) Hold their hand
14) Write them thoughtful cards or send them nice texts
15) Tell them you love them every day, even when you don’t feel like it
16) Tell them what you like about them and why you appreciate them so they know why off by heart
17) Leave nice notes around the house
18) Tell other people what you like about them whilst they are there.
19) Surprise them by buying something you know they want
20) Surprise them by buying some food from the shop that you know they like

42 years and counting…
I have been in a relationship with Jonny now for 6 years, but I wanted to talk to a wonderful woman who has been married to her husband for a lot longer than that and find out what their secret is. They are an inspiring couple who still show massive love and respect for each other after 42 years of doing life together. They are a team. What is the secret to a long lasting marriage?

He was the strong, silent type and I was the creative, bubbly type. A true case of opposites attracting between me and my husband.  He – a physics undergrad, and me -a reasonably bright A-level student; we met at a youth club and spent the summer decorating the local church hall, which gave us lots of time and opportunity to get to know each other, whilst painting and singing (mostly American) folk songs. This was the era of Dylan, Peter, Paul and Mary, Simon and Garfunkel after all.

Nowadays, when I ask him his advice for being together all these 42 years, his answer is, not unexpectedly, brief; “You should always marry your best friend,” which is kinda nice that he still values me as his best friend…and also highlights that initial attraction alone is not the thing that will keep a relationship deep and lasting. Taking pleasure in each other’s company, sharing your heart, support and comfort, joys and sorrows, are a much larger part of the journey.

For me, learning to appreciate one another is high on the agenda as part of love. I can remember a time early in our married life when we followed a soap of the day, where the couples were constantly bickering, pulling each other down in front of others, highlighting their faults.
I noticed a conversation we had at home one day seemed to sound as if it had come straight out of the programme. I decided I would intentionally stop following that soap which seemed to have got under the radar of my thought processes, stop letting the media and its portrayal of broken or miserable relationships guide mine. Instead, it is helpful to remember what you find attractive and admire in the other person. Small words of appreciation such as ‘Thanks for doing that’ (hated chore) etc… And finding appropriate ways and times to communicate what is irritating and deciding if it might be better to be patient about things sometimes anyway.

The place of kindness is underrated in love; doing those little thoughtful things that the other person appreciates, noticing their struggles and helping out, not always being selfish and demanding. It might be me getting out of my cosy spot in the car with an umbrella when my husband has his head under the broken down 70’s car in the pouring rain. Or perhaps it’s him jumping fully-clothed and booted into an unexpectedly stormy Lake Windermere shallows to pull our rowing boat safely to shore. It could equally be him cutting small hearts out of cucumber to say ‘ I love you’ with the Sunday sandwiches, or maybe singing a cute song round the kitchen to cheer up a recent touch of the blues! Little kindnesses, appreciations, spontaneous words and ways of expressing what we value in  each other, have helped to prevent that ‘taking each other for granted’ feeling, even though there have been many seasons when we both have to rely on each other massively.

We don’t often fall out but when we do there is always the ‘Don’t let the sun go down on your anger’ advice, which is hard to follow sometimes but helps to prevent things from festering.  To say, ‘Sorry’ and/or being willing to make peace and equally accept it and not staying locked in hurt feelings, pride and vulnerability.

Tired, stressed and a bit grumpy with each after a long journey on a recent holiday we arrived at the restaurant with not much of our usual excited holiday chatter….not the best way to begin a chilled week! But before I’d even headed to the buffet, my better half appeared with two sparkling glasses of celebratory cava to show no ill feeling.  (‘The boy really knows how to show a girl a good time!’ as they say). It’s a lifetime of small but significant things that have become part of our lives.

Those young students of the 70’s may have changed almost unrecognisably into the couple we are today, but we have grown together and not succumbed to the myth of ‘I’m a different person now’ as an excuse for not continuing to work on our relationship and deepen our love. For us, being in it for the long term means that creativity and making space for fun and enjoyment can be as much present all these years on as when we first met …perhaps even more because we know each other deeply, almost as much as our own selves.  So having married my best friend, hero, sweetheart and lover, it’s a case of  “I’ll be there for you…” always and  without a doubt…42 years and counting…

Chapman, G. (1995). Five Love Languages. Chicago: Northfield Publishing. Page 29-30, 33-34.