Friends – How to resolve conflict

Last time we talked about how there are three main hurdles that can often cause a rift between even the closest of friends and started with the first one which was ‘getting lazy.’ The second hurdle I want to cover this time is…

2) Resolving conflict

Unfortunately, conflict does happen in friendships because people aren’t perfect and at some point, we are going to feel let down. That is a normal part of life. It cannot be avoided because different people get annoyed or offended about different things and therefore it is near impossible to please everyone at once. You could even do something with the best intentions and with someone’s best interests at heart, and end up offending them instead. We have no control over anyone else’s actions or responses. But what we do have control over is ours and how we choose to deal with it. When it comes to resolving conflict are three types of people.

Angry and loud

If these people get annoyed, they are not afraid to deal with the issue head on and be brutally honest about everything without mincing their words. These people let their anger take control and let all their thoughts and emotions out with no thought to the other people’s feelings. A lot of sentences in these confrontations involve the words, “You, always,” and “Never.”

‘A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.’ Proverbs 15, The Bible. This could not be truer. Usually the other person then gets their back up and starts shouting back in an attempt to defend themselves and point the blame elsewhere. Both people find themselves getting angrier and suddenly the goal of the conversation shifts from resolving conflict to who can say the most hurtful things. Suddenly they start to exaggerate and say things they don’t mean just to make the other person feel as hurt as they feel and pretty soon all you’re left with is a lot of damage and hurt feelings from both parties. Many friendships have even ended this way.

Passive Aggressive

If these people get annoyed at someone, they don’t say anything to them at all. There is nothing direct about this approach. Instead they moan to other people and act passive aggressively. Up until about a year ago, this was my speciality. My go to. The reason being I didn’t want anyone to get angry and annoyed at me so if I had a problem with someone I vented elsewhere. I could be annoyed, but not them. The problem with this one is, the way we deal with our irritation disguises itself as a good thing. “I’m not saying anything horrible to them. We never fall out. I’m just letting it out somewhere else to help me.” This is what I told myself as I moaned to other people until a couple of years ago when I had to preach about it at church. As I sat there planning what I was going to say and looking up verses in the bible, it was then when I realised that I didn’t moan about my friends to other friends because I wanted advice and help. I moaned about them because I wanted my other friends to understand what an awful person they had been. I wanted them to moan too and say, “Poor you. You were in the right. They are so bang out of order.” It was almost like I wanted them to be on my side and I realised I should call it what it actually was. Bitchiness. A power play.

Because the truth is, if I never brought up my offense with my friend, how could they change it? How could we resolve it? Moaning about them to other people wasn’t helping our friendship get better. It was actually making me feel more irritated and justified and making other people think badly of them too. An example of this is when a couple of years ago someone had offended me so I told another friend because I wanted to get it off my chest. What happened though was my other friend started to dislike this person and moaned about them too. Do you notice that when you talk about someone in a negative way, it feels good to “get it off your chest,” but afterwards you feel differently when you see them? Or even worse they find out what you said and you’re embarrassed? That’s usually an indication that it wasn’t the right thing to do. At the time, it felt good to feel supported and justified, but looking back on it now I realise nothing good came from it. There was no love in the situation and instead of my offence being dealt with quietly, I’d just shared it around with more people. It was now their issue too.

The problem with not saying anything is it means the issues never go away. We think we are saving our friendship if we never talk about negative things, but what is essentially happening is we are building a silent wedge between us that never gets dealt with. And you don’t forget those things. It just builds and builds and you moan more and more until it starts to affect your behaviour towards them. That’s when you start to act passive aggressively. Subtle insults are thrown around, you start to act coldly, you don’t want to hang out anymore and you can’t see what you liked about them in the first place. There are two ways it can go then. Either you both end up ‘naturally’ going your separate ways, or it blows up into a big, heated argument and you then don’t know how to find your way back to being friends. The passive aggressive attitude is a slow process but I believe to be the most destructive.

Positive confrontation.

The third group of people are the ones who deal with conflict in the best way and who over the last year or so I have been striving to be like. When they are annoyed, they don’t lose their temper and say the first thing in their heads. Likewise they also don’t leave issues to lie and fester and eat away at their friendship. Instead they calm down, think about what they are going to say and talk to their friends honestly but with love! “When you’ve done this, it has made me feel like this. I really care about you so I want to get past it.” The difference between this approach and the loud and angry approach is the care behind it. The aim isn’t to insult them and tell them what a bad person they are, but to genuinely resolve the issue so you can both move forward because they mean too much to you to lose over it. It’s choosing love over offense. It separates the person from the issue and focuses on the issue, not the person. It is gentle and kind but with purpose. You are not attacking them, but addressing the issue head on. It helps people understand that it is not them you have a problem with, but merely their actions. And actions can be changed. If people feel loved, they are less likely to get their back up and more likely to work with you to sort it out.

There are two people in my life who have helped me learn this.

The first is my husband Jonny. Funnily enough, I was more like the loud and angry person with him and him alone. Our problem with resolving conflict was completely different. Neither of us held back and could have some heated arguments. Over the years, we have had to learn a lot on how to resolve issues. I am not claiming that we are now perfect, but the way we handle disagreements has transformed dramatically on the whole. We have learnt a couple of things that has really helped our relationship grow.

1. Always apologise. They have a side. Whether you feel like you are completely in the right or not, they have still had their feelings hurt by the situation. Even if you feel like you haven’t done anything wrong, you can still apologise for making them feel that way. I have never known a word more powerful than, “Sorry.” I can be absolutely livid and then all Jonny has to say is a genuine apology and it catches me off guard. It’s like it deflates me. It has the same effect on Jonny too. It can extinguish a situation almost immediately because you are taking responsibility for hurting them and they feel understood. And that’s all people want. To feel understood. Sometimes you can feel like you’re always the one who has to say sorry first which can be irritating, but you can’t control their response, you can only control yours. Pride stops us from apologising, but it shouldn’t. If the relationship can heal and improve because you chose making it right over pride, then that says a lot about the kind of person you are.

2. Do more listening than talking. This is the hardest one because when you’re angry and they are saying something you disagree with then you want to fight back. It goes against every fibre in our being. But listening is one of the most powerful tools in arguments. I don’t mean staying quiet as they talk whilst planning what you’re going to say next. But actually listening to what they are saying and trying to understand what they are trying to communicate. Before when we argued, we’d talk over each other and get louder and louder. But recently I have physically watched Jonny calm down in front of me when he’s able to talk. In our marriage preparation course, we were advised to repeat back what that person had just said to you in your own words to show them that you had heard them and understood what they were saying. True listening makes people feel understood and once again, feeling understood just deflates people’s anger. Then you know what to apologise for and what you can change to make them feel better.

3. Be proactive about changing it. This one’s easier. If there is something we are doing or saying that is hurting someone, don’t do or say it. If there is something we’re not doing or saying, try and work out how to do or say it!

4. Time out. This is for those disagreements that you are just too angry to resolve at that current moment, usually because it’s really late and really you’re both just tired and need sleep. Sometimes it is better just to agree to take a time out, go and calm down – or sleep – or eat (hanger is real) – and come back to it at a better time where you can actually talk about it properly.

5. Going to someone who champions that person. This is different from just being bitchy. I have said this before in a previous blog but the best advice I ever received before I got married is if we ever had a disagreement, I needed to go to someone who champions Jonny. It is important to talk about what’s going on in your head, but when you are angry or confused the last thing you need is a friend who will add fuel to the fire and tell you how awful that person is. All that does is help create more issues and offence. If you go to someone who loves you both, you will be heard and supported but they will not attack your friend. They will encourage you to find a solution, maybe give your fresh perspective and good advice. Those are the kind of conversations that help save and grow healthy relationships. Find a helper, not a stirrer.

All of this is the same for resolving conflict with friends. When we are naturally having disagreements, we need to be prepared to apologise if we have hurt them. We need to be prepared to listen, to be proactive or otherwise go and calm down first and talk to someone who champions them so they will be talked about positively rather than making you more angry.

The second person is one of my best friends. When Jonny and I bought our first house together, I was still living with two of my best friends. I was going to move into our house once myself and Jonny got married. But the excitement of buying a house absolutely took over and I was there all the time, hanging out with Jonny and planning what our house would be like. This itself was totally fine obviously! But what I had started to do was get lazy with my other friends. I never went home to hang out with them. Like I talked about in my previous blog, my new significant life change was my shiny new house with my now fiancé – and that’s pretty massive! But I didn’t share it with my friends, I replaced them with it. And gradually over time my friend began to feel like she was unimportant to me. I sensed that she was annoyed and in my true passive aggressive nature, I avoided it like the plague. I tried to act normal for a few months but then eventually moaned to another friend about it. However, this other friend ended up saying something that really changed the way I thought. She said to me, “Is this worth losing your best friend over?” That was the question that made me think. Did I want to lose her? The answer was no, but that meant I had to deal with it. So eventually we ended up having a very hard and very awkward chat in the car and got everything out. We both apologised and we both got proactive with it. I made sure I made time for her and kept her involved in my life and from that moment it was literally like all the rubbish between us just disappeared. In fact we were better than ever! And since then, every now and then if there is something that has bugged us, we just talk about it, make the changes and it’s done. The beauty of it is, I know if she isn’t telling me that I’ve hurt her, then I genuinely haven’t. I know she isn’t moaning about me and there is nothing festering. It’s honest and kind and loving. What you see is what you get. There is a lot of freedom in a friendship like that. Conflict doesn’t have to be bad when you use healthy conflict resolutions. It can actually make a relationship stronger and healthier.

I just want to highlight that this doesn’t then mean you “positively confront” your friends all the time. Actually some things can be left to lie and you just need a bit of time to get over it. Realise that they haven’t done it to hurt you or annoy you, they’ve just not thought about it. I’m talking about the things that can’t be left to lie. The actions that have caused deep hurt that you just can’t seem to get over and it is started to affect how you see them. It is in that time where you need to ask yourself if it is worth losing them over? And sometimes – very rarely but sometimes – it is. Sometimes there are people who don’t actually care about you. They may use your or manipulate you. Tear you down rather than build you up and no amount of talking will change that. These are not healthy friendships and it is totally your call whether you choose to leave it or not. But if you do have a friend who has been there for you time and time again and you are just going through something, I would advise you not to give up on them just yet, because friendship is worth fighting for. Like I said at the beginning, we have no control over anyone else’s actions or responses. But what we do have control over is ours.

TJ_TC_225

Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. Ephesians 4: 29, The Bible

Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the spirit binding yourselves together with peace.

Ephesians 4:2, The Bible

Make allowance for each others faults and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from God rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace.

Colossians 3:12 – 15, The Bible

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4 – 8

Finally all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tender-hearted and keep a humble attitude. Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will bless you for it. 1 Peter 3:8, The Bible

Friends – How to keep them!

Friendship is literally one of the most complex relationships we’ll ever have to figure out. Some run deep, whereas other people are more like acquaintances. Some last forever whereas some last for a short period of time. Some feel easy and some seem to take a lot of hard work. I feel like over the last few years I have learnt a lot about what it means to be a friend and yet at the same time, I still have a heck of a lot to learn. However in those years I have come to realise that there are three main hurdles that can often cause a rift between even the closest of friends. It’s quite a big topic to talk about and so I’m going to split it into three blog posts. A hurdle a post.

1) Getting lazy

This is the easiest behaviour to fall into and yet is hard to identify as a problem because its effect is slow. It is essentially a result from getting too comfortable in a relationship. Just like with romantic relationships, at the beginning of a friendship you are on your best behaviour once you’ve decided you like them. You put in loads of effort because you want them to like you and when they do, happy days! New friend! Soon enough though, you get used to each other and you become comfortable with each other. Now comfortable isn’t bad. In fact comfortable is a great thing! It shows that a relationship is genuine and people can be themselves without fear of being rejected. It is a step towards friends feeling like family. However being too comfortable is when things go downhill. It is when comfort becomes complacency. All of us have experienced this at some point and have even been the guilty party who hasn’t put the effort in, myself included. We get lazy, and we drift apart. Some causes of this are:

Long distance

More often than not, our paths lead us to different places in our lives whether that be education, a new job, who we date or where we live. We stop seeing our friends as often as we used to and that is when some friends part ways. This is when we hear the common phrase, “Let’s stay in touch.” The shame of it is the intention is there, but not always the delivery. Unfortunately we cannot avoid the fact that we will not live near all our friends all the time and long distance is a part of friendship. However what can be avoided is losing those friends from our lives.

Significant changes in our lives

It is easy to put effort into our friends when they slot so perfectly into our daily routine and there is nothing to distract us. It is a lot harder when that routine changes or when something – or someone – changes it. A new job. A baby. A new group of friends. A new boyfriend/girlfriend. Something that requires more of your attention. When we get these new things in our lives it is exciting. Of course we have to focus on our new job or a baby! Of course we want to spend every second we can with the person we are in a relationship with. The hurdle arises however when this new things begins to replace our friends entirely. When we start to steal from the time set aside for our friends until eventually they have nothing left. We start rescheduling and cancelling more and more and maybe even stop seeing them altogether. I totally get it when it comes to being in a new relationship because I’ve experienced that. When I first started going out with my husband Jonny, all I wanted to do was hang out with him. I was lucky with him though because right from the start Jonny told me he didn’t want us to be in our own bubble. He had friends that he wanted to see and I had friends that I should see, otherwise we were going to find ourselves alone. So that’s what he did. Every now and then he told me he was going to be busy one night because he wanted to hang out with his mates. And at first I hated those nights! All I wanted was to spend time with him. So I would sit at home and watch TV, wishing he was with me. I chose to be with Jonny over putting any effort into anyone else. A little later down the road, that left me with hardly any friends. I’d not bothered with them so they’d not bothered with me and although I had Jonny and my family, I didn’t have anyone else and that was a pretty lonely place to be. So I changed it. I learnt my lesson and I began to put effort into people again and now I am in a place where not only do I have Jonny – because surprisingly he didn’t suffer from not seeing me for a couple of hours every now and then – but I have an amazing group of friends who genuinely care for me as much as I care about them! Jonny goes out with his mates and I’m happy about it because I want him to! Friends are a really important part of life. New changes in our lives don’t have to replace our friends. It is just another part of our lives to share with them.

What both of these causes have in common are the excuses we use alongside them.

“I’ve been so busy.”

“I’m too tired.”

“I’m sorry I’m seeing my boyfriend/girlfriend tonight.”

Although sometimes these excuses are valid, it is using them repetitively that takes a toll on the friendship in the end. When we get lazy and stop putting any effort into communicating with each other, making time to chat for an hour or so to catch up and take a genuine interest in each other’s lives, we lose touch. When we stop putting any genuine effort into arranging a date to hang out and sticking to that date, we lose touch. And actually like I said before, loosing friends from our lives can be avoided. How?

1) Through communication. By making time to find out how they are and showing them you care. Give them a call. Text them. If you know they’ve got something important going on soon, chase it up and find out how it went. Encourage them. Celebrate with them in the highs. Support them in the lows. Just be there and also share your life with them! Let them be there for you too.

2) Through arranging time to hang out. Being proactive, getting your calendar out and booking in a date when you’re both free to hang out – and stick to it! I am a big believer in honouring your first commitment. If you have arranged to do something, you don’t sack it off for a “better offer.” That makes people feel exposable and unimportant to you. Give them your time. Make sure you’re around to celebrate big events in their lives or support them when life gets hard.

These two things alone are enough to maintain a healthy friendship but there are other ways. In a book called, ‘The Five Love Languages,’ it talks about how people have different love languages. There are five different ways people give and receive love.

– Words of encouragement. Some people feel loved when others are building them up and encouraging them.

– Quality time, like I mentioned. Others feel loved when people aren’t just hanging out on their phones, but are actually having quality conversations and doing quality activities together.

– Receiving gifts. If we buy gifts for people, it makes them think, “They thought about me.” This can even stretch to buying people a chocolate bar.

– Acts of service. Some people feel loved when you help them out and serve them. That could be house chores or it could be helping them out if they are really busy.

– Physical touch. Pretty self-explanatory.

Those a few more ways that we can avoid losing our friends from our lives, and actually it can be really fun to work out what people’s love languages are and start showing them we care in that way. It is merely preferring your friends despite how you feel. By making sure they know you care about them despite what’s going on with you. Because actually it’s attainable. You don’t have to give all your time and attention in order to achieve it. No one is too busy to give up an hour in a week. Even if your significant life change involves having a baby or getting a new job and free time really is rare, there will still be some time somewhere for your friends. Get them involved in your child’s life! Friends shouldn’t be your lives, but they should be a part of them. They should enhance them. Don’t do what I did and push your friendships to the side, because it gets very lonely without them. The secret to good friendship is to show them you care about them. Not just tell them because words can become meaningless if they are not backed up by actions. But that’s it. That’s how simple it is. To overcome the hurdle of laziness, it simply involves being proactive and just showing you care.

When I was a teenager, another reason I didn’t used to chat to people or arrange hangouts was because I felt like I was always the first person to bring up conversation or suggest hanging out. I sat at home thinking everyone else was hanging out and I wasn’t thought about. I would say to myself, “No I won’t text them. Why do I always have to be the one to put in effort.” For me it was a sign of insecurity. The ironic thing is, the majority of people all sit at home thinking this same thing! Most people think they are always the one putting in effort so they leave it to see if anyone else will and we are all just sat at home leaving it. But you know what. Sometimes people are genuinely just really busy and are going about their normal lives. I’ve learnt that it doesn’t matter if I’m the first one to start off a conversation or if I’m the first one to arrange a hang out. It doesn’t make me pathetic. It means I have to opportunity to show someone else that I care about them. That I’ve thought about them. Being the first one isn’t a bad thing. It’s a blessing! It means I have security in myself. It means I get to make other people feel good about themselves. And actually it means we get to chat and hang out and get closer! If I can be part of the reason that we are closer, then happy days!

Like I said at the beginning, this is just one of three hurdles that can get in the way of friendships. And the things about hurdles is they usually they take effort on your part to get over them. They take hard work but it’s worth it because once you’ve done it, you’re surrounded by people who love you on the other side.

Chapman, G. (1995). Five Love Languages. Chicago: Northfield Publishing.

Why do I believe in God?

13151520_10156839290570394_5721236118186120517_n (1) When I was little my mum took me to church every Sunday so from a young age I grew up believing in God. I learnt all the bible stories and knew all the songs. You don’t question an awful lot when you’re under ten. It wasn’t until I got a bit older when I started to form my own opinions about church. I remember thinking, “Actually, this is really boring and not really relevant to me!” I still went with my mum because it was important to her and it was just what we did on a Sunday, but I lost interest in the concept of God. It didn’t affect my life so I didn’t give it much thought. I started to focus on the more obvious things in my life like my friends and guys that I liked. They became the most important things to me. And the first year or two I didn’t have much to stress about. It was all good. Fast forward a couple more years though and school started getting a bit harder. Yes because the pressure to succeed grew more intense but also because people got more unashamedly opinionated about each other. I can honestly say -now being safely on the other side of it – that school is tough! I don’t just mean one particular school. I mean school in general. It’s so cliquey and exclusive and everyone is trying to impress someone just to keep a good reputation. I’ve noticed these days that young people can be really harsh and mean to each other and the crazy hormones are real and together you have the perfect recipe for a teenager who is full of insecurities.

And that was me. An insecure kid with zero confidence who cared very much about what people thought and accepted their opinions as truth. I was labelled – even by my friends – as a loud, annoying attention seeker and I truly believed that was who I was. Because you can ignore the little, quiet comments. But over time as their voices get louder and their opinions get stronger, eventually those words are all you can hear. And I let those words become my label, my truth. Become who I was.

Everyone cares
The truth is, to some level, every single one of us has felt that way. Some more than others. But even the most unexpected, confident people have cared about what people think of them at some point. Even they are affected by what people say. Sometimes you have to care about being what people think if you want to succeed in life and the second people say something negative, it affects you. ‘Popular’ people are concerned with what people think about them too. They don’t escape it either because the way to be popular is to make people like you and keep it that way. Unfortunately, school isn’t the only place full of opinions. Lots of people can receive pressure and negativity in the work place. At home. It’s all over social media, the TV and in magazines. Gossip, arguing, putting each other down. There is a certain standard for how we should look or act. It’s no wonder really why we are all worried about what everyone thinks of us.

I definitely did. All I believed was that I had a personality people didn’t like and as I had based my self-esteem on them, I got quite low for a while. Then one year I got invited to go to a Christian festival with my youth group called, ‘Soul Survivor.’ And I remember this one particular night we were all meeting in the main tent and I felt so low that I broke down. I wanted people in the youth group to come over and ask me if I was alright. To just care. But they didn’t come. And it was at that point where I felt God speak to me. It wasn’t a voice I could hear audibly. In fact the best way I can describe it is it is as if someone else was putting thoughts in my head that weren’t my thoughts. They weren’t coming from me. And I felt like God say that he created me exactly the way I am and he loved me for it. He loved me as his daughter. In that moment, everything changed for me. Suddenly I wasn’t focused on everyone else around me.

In the bible it says that God created the entire universe. That he is the King of creation. When you think about how tall the mountains stand, how deep the sea goes, how massive planets are and how the universe just seems endless, and you then think that God created all of that, is bigger than all of that, it throws everything back into perspective. He isn’t just some old guy who lives in the clouds in some nice picture books. He is the God that created the universe. He is the God that started everything with a word and could end it all with a word. And it was this God that came to me in that moment and told me, “Tiffany, I love you.” The very fact I exist is because amongst all the incredible things he created, he then thought about me. He created me because he wanted me to be a part of it all! Suddenly all the people I knew looked tiny. Their opinions were meaningless. Because if the King of creation told me he loved me as I am, then that was the only opinion that mattered.

Who is God really?
Unfortunately I think that too many people have heard different versions of what God is like. I physically cringe when I see men and women on the street shouting at people on the street, telling them God is angry at them and calling them sinners because it paints a picture that God is judgemental. It was true that you had to be perfect to make it to heaven and it was true that we probably weren’t going to make it there. It was true that we turned our backs on him and didn’t deserve to go. But God knew this and did something about it! He wasn’t an angry King who wanted to punish us, and he wasn’t a silent King who was just going to leave us to our fate. When Jesus came to this world, he showed us exactly who God really is. A Good King who loved his creation so much that he was willing to give his own life to spare ours. He took the punishment for anything we have ever done or ever will do in order to make us completely innocent because he wanted us. So now we can go to heaven because he’s given us a clean slate. This is the God I know. He loved us so much he made a way back to him and he was powerful enough to defeat death itself . He’s alive today and he wants us to know him and have a relationship with him and be there for us in our lives. It’s not about earning it or deserving it anymore. It’s not a religion. It’s a relationship.

I had fully turned by back on him and yet when it all came back to smack me in the face, he was still there loving me because it was never conditional with him. I didn’t have to do anything or be anything other than myself. I didn’t have to earn his love. He loved me regardless. And do you know what, that kind of truth changes you. It gives you a security and a confidence in yourself when you know that the King thinks you’re worth dying for. You become braver and stronger with only one label to wear. I wasn’t annoying. I was loved. I wasn’t too loud. I was loved. I wasn’t attention seeking. I didn’t need to be, because I was loved. From that point I gradually stopped seeking people’s approval because I had Gods without even trying. And he started doing wonderful things for me. Church became amazing and actually completely relevant. It was actually a place where you not only learnt about who God is, but where you could get encouraged to follow your dreams and be the best version of yourself, where you could get sound advice and wisdom for your life and on top of that, make some amazing friendships. I want to very quickly highlight that no one in any church is perfect. You do have to find the right church for you, but even that one won’t be perfect. Someone once said that if you find the perfect church, don’t join it or you’ll make it imperfect. We all do make mistakes and let each other down at times. But I can honestly say that people here do have something different because they actively try to love like Jesus! They try to forgive like him and live selflessly like him, putting others first.
To this day, I am in such a better place than where I was then. I do have an amazing group of friends and an incredible family who I love very much now, but my self-esteem isn’t based on them. And I’m sure there are definitely still people who say a lot of negative stuff about me, but it doesn’t really affect me anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I still have days where sometimes I let people get to me, but then I realise that it’s usually when I’m not spending time with God and listening to him. And what I mean by spending time is when I take time out to read the bible, pray or sing worship. God is with us all the time, but just like anyone in your life, you get to know someone better when you spend quality time with them. My husband Jonny tells me that he can actually see the difference in me when I am spending time with God and when I’m not not. When I’m not, I become a bit more insecure again. The second I spend time with him and tune into what he’s saying, I get my confidence and joy back. I get my identity back. God did that. People say God doesn’t do anything in this day and age but God did that. God changed me.

So why do I believe in God?
There is a story in the bible that sums up my point perfectly. There were two men who decided to build themselves a house. One man built his house on the sand and the other one built his house on the rock. When the storm came, the house on the sand crashed down instantly. But the house on the rock stood firm. The houses in the story are a representation of our lives, and the sand and rock are the foundations on what we choose to build our lives on. When we choose to base our happiness and self-esteem on what other people think or say like I did, we are like the man who built his house on the sand. People’s opinions change all the time. Sometimes people are for you and sometimes they are against you. Even the people that really love you can let you down because people just aren’t perfect. They can’t be there for you all day every day every time you need them because that’s just not possible or healthy. It isn’t a foundation to build your security or identity on. Because when storms come crashing into your life – break ups, exams, redundancy, being fired, bullying, betrayal, loss, illness- then your house, your life just comes crashing down. Through my life I have learnt it is God who represents the rock – the foundation to build our lives on because he is constantly there for us, constantly in our corner because his love has always been unconditional. We’ve have never had to earn it. He just does because we are his creation. I know I can trust him because his opinion of me is never going to change. There is absolutely nothing we can do that could ever stop God from loving us. No matter how many times we mess up. No matter how many times we give up on God, he doesn’t give up on us. And when the storms come, we can still be standing.

To answer the question of the heading, I believe in God because to start with he’s changed my life! I’ve learnt who he really is and who I am to him but also because I’ve seen him move in too many people’s lives to not believe. This is why I wanted to write this post. I live my life for him not because I have to, but because I want to show him I love him as well, and I wanted people to know the God I know. God didn’t shove himself on me and I don’t think he wants us to shove him on other people. I wanted people to have a choice to read or not because that’s what it is. A choice. But to speak for myself, he is the best choice I ever made.

What is Love?

Engagement Pix 29 Relationships are amazing things, but for some reason they are not lasting as long as they used to these days. Why is that? I think it may be because there are certain false truths we have grown up believing whether we are aware of it or not. Relationships will never last if we hold onto these lies. If we want to see relationships that last a life time, it’s important to start changing the way we think. We need to start identifying the lies and replace them with truth.

Lie – Love is about feelings.
I love films and music just as much as the next person, so I have definitely noticed there is a popular genre that never seems to get old in both the film and music scene. Even if you hate both of these things, it would still be pretty hard to avoid the massive hype that is ‘falling in love.’ It’s everywhere! On TV, the radio, books, social media. Everybody loves a good romance story. There isn’t much out there that gets more likes on Facebook than the change of a relationship status. It was probably for this reason why I and every other teenager grew up so determined to find ‘the one,’ in my life. That one person who you would fall in love with and have this amazing connection with. We are told over and over again that when we meet that special person, sparks will fly and we will be flooded with a rush of intense feelings which will last for the rest of our lives.
I think it is this seemingly romantic belief that is the death of healthy relationships. It seems like such a beautiful, perfect dream, but in reality it is an unrealistic view of what relationships are meant to be like.

My point is not that romance in music or films is wrong, but simply we must realise that they are only telling us the beginning of the story. Of course there is spark when you start a relationship with someone you like because it’s new and exciting. They are new and exciting. You don’t know how they feel about you, what they are going to say, what they will do. It’s unpredictable. But the more you get to know that person, the less ‘new’ it’s going to become. They start becoming familiar. At the start, you will see only what they want you to see because they want to impress you. Likewise you will only show them what you want them to see because you want to impress them. And the feelings are so intense that you can’t help but tell them how they make you feel. You can’t help but spend time with them, chat with them for hours, do absolutely anything for them. At the start, they are on their best behaviour just like you, carefully choosing what they will show you. It isn’t until you get to know each other really well before you both start to relax and become more comfortable, and that is when people start to let their guards down. It’s later on when the perfect person becomes a little less perfect. It’s later on when they start to reveal annoying little habits that you never saw before. It’s later on when it becomes more of an effort to be on your best behaviour all the time and the disagreements happen. And it is this stage that the film and music industry don’t show us.
They show us the beginning spark, they don’t show us years later when our relationship changes. And so we start to measure our two year – three year – four year – relationship alongside a brand new exciting relationship and guess who loses? We are led to believe that our relationship should be like the films, but that is not reality. That’s when the question, ‘do I still love you?’ starts to take over in our thoughts. We start to realise ‘the spark has gone,’ and as that is what we perceive as a normal relationship, we end it and find someone new, only to repeat the same vicious cycle over and over.

Is it love?
I was 19 years old when I met my first boyfriend, because I grew up not just wanting a boyfriend, but the boyfriend. I didn’t want to waste my time on guys that weren’t the real deal, so I walked away a few times before I finally said yes to Jonny. He was different from other guys I’d liked in the past and it was very difficult to figure out what he was thinking. He kept his thoughts and feelings quite close to his chest so I only knew the limited amount of what he had told me. We had liked each other for a long time before he eventually asked me out. So when he finally did ask me out I was ecstatic that he wanted me. I made it Facebook official and threw myself in. The first two years were exactly what I’d hoped they’d be. He met my friends and family and slotted in perfectly. We hung out all the time and he started to let me in. He started to tell me how he felt about me and we shared our thoughts and dreams with each other. We would talk for hours and hours and he took me on some amazing dates. The more I learnt about him, the more I fell in love with him. It was everything I had dreamed about. But then something happened that I didn’t expect. About two years in, Jonny started to get really annoying. I began to notice little things he did that I hadn’t noticed before which really got on my nerves. Slowly over time he didn’t seem so perfect anymore and I started to care less about how I acted around him. We started to argue a lot and very soon I didn’t feel the same way I did before. All the spark we had vanished and honestly, he felt more like a friend to me. I went on Facebook and Instagram and it came to my attention how many of my friends looked happy in their relationships. I looked at their perfectly edited pictures where they looked so happy and so in love and I started worrying that I didn’t have what they had. I wanted what they had. I continued listening to music and watching films and seeing people fall in love again and again and the more I watched it, the worse I felt. I considered ending things with Jonny because I felt like I didn’t love him anymore and I felt horrible for it. Jonny and I spoke about how things were a little bit difficult at that point in our relationship, but I never shared the full extent of what was really going on in my head because I didn’t want to hurt him or possibly end ‘us’ whilst I was this confused. I didn’t know what I wanted, so for ages I didn’t tell anyone. Instead I looked to Google for wisdom. I learned quickly that other people felt this way but I didn’t learn a lot else. No one seemed to talk about this, so I tackled these feelings on my own for months before I finally reached out to one or two people. And after a few more months of kind of talking about it, someone lent me a book called, ‘The Five Love Languages,’ written by Gary Chapman. In it, he says this:
At its peak, the “in-love “experience is euphoric. We are emotionally obsessed with each other. We go to sleep thinking of one another. When we rise, that person is the first thought on our minds. We long to be together. Spending time is like playing in the anteroom of heaven. When we hold hands, it seems as if our blood flows together. We could kiss forever if we didn’t have to go to school or work. When we embrace, time seems to stop. The person who is in love – let’s call her Jen – has the illusion that her beloved is perfect. Her best friend can see the flaws – it bothers her how he talked to Jen sometimes – but Jen won’t listen… We have been led to believe that if we really are in love, it will last forever. We will always have the wonderful feelings that we have at this moment. Nothing could ever come between us. Nothing will ever overcome our love for each other. We are caught up in the beauty and charm of each other’s personality. Our love is the most wonderful thing we have ever experienced. We observe that some married couples seem to have lost that feeling, but it will never happen to us. “Maybe they didn’t have the real thing,” we reason. Unfortunately, the eternality of the in – love” experience is fiction, not fact. The late psychologist Dr. Dorothy Tennov conducted long – range studies on the in love phenomenon. After studying scores of couples, she concluded that the average life span of a romantic obsession is two years. If it is a secret love affair, it may last a little longer. Eventually however, we all descend from the clouds and plant our feet on Earth again. Our eyes are opened, and we see the warts of the other person. Her endearing “quirks” are now merely annoying. His sharp sense of humour now wounds. Those little bumps we overlooked when we were in love now become huge mountains…We fall out of love, and at that point either we withdraw, separate, divorce, and set off in search of a new love experience…
Research seems to indicate there is a third and better alternative: We can recognise the in love experience for what it was – a temporary emotional high – and now pursue “real love” with our spouse. That kind of love is emotional in nature but not obsessional. It is a love that unites reason and emotion. It involves the act of the will and requires discipline; and it recognises the need for personal growth. Our most basic need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know that a love grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving. That kind of love requires effort and discipline. It is the choice to expend energy in an effort to benefit the other person, knowing that if his or her life is enriched by your effort, you too will find a sense of satisfaction – the satisfaction of having genuinely loved another. It does not require the euphoria of the “in love” experience. In fact, true love cannot begin until the “in love” experience has run its course. We cannot take credit for the kind and generous things we do whilst under the influence of the obsession. We are pushed and carried along by an instinctual force that goes beyond our normal behaviour patterns. But if, once we return to the real world of human choice, we choose to be kind and generous, that is real love. (Chapman, 1995)

Love isn’t just a feeling. Love is a choice.
This saved my entire relationship for two reasons.
1) I realised that it is a completely normal part of a relationship to loose ‘spark.’ Loads of people have felt this way and overcame it, and understanding this suddenly made my problem smaller. I wasn’t alone. Finally something made sense and finally I didn’t like the worst person in the world for feeling the way that I did. And loosing spark didn’t mean my relationship was over. It just meant my relationship was changing. Transitioning to a deeper level.
2) I finally understood that love isn’t just a feeling like the films suggest. Love isn’t just about the sparks. In this day and age we are told to follow our feelings, but if we actually take a look at feelings we can see that they are incredibly indecisive and impulsive. They are up and down and all over the place. Before Jonny, I met a few guys who were very led by their feelings which meant one minute they were completely head over heels for me and told me they were falling in love with me, but the next minute they were out of the door. Their feelings had changed and so they followed them elsewhere. That’s not love. That is being reckless with people’s hearts. As I’m a Christian I believe God speaks through the bible, and a verse in 1 John 3:18 says, ‘Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions.’ It’s so easy to say the words, but it’s a lot harder to show it. I learnt quickly that it can hurt to go out with feelings led people because their decisions are not necessarily set in stone. It’s all reliant on how they feel that day. Be careful of these people. Our own feelings can be just as confusing, and therefore it makes sense that the fate of our relationship shouldn’t be based on them. It should be based on something stronger. This line in particular stuck in my brain. ‘True love can only begin when the falling in love stage has run its course.’ The falling in love stage is when you can’t help but do things for them to impress them. It’s almost out of your control because you are infatuated by them. But we have to stop confusing infatuation for love. Love is an action. Love is a choice. The truth is, love isn’t just about us! True love requires hard work and it is about choosing the other person above yourself. It is thinking, “How can I show them I love them today?” Relationships grow healthy when we prefer them. It is kind and loyal and generous and trust worthy. True love is looking at who a person is and making the choice to love them for who they are despite how we feel that day. It is a thought through decision. It isn’t something we throw away when things get hard. It is a commitment. It is a stronger kind of love because it lasts. Another verse in the bible is 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 which says, ‘Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.’ I realised I didn’t want flimsy feelings led love. I wanted a love that would last. I realised that I could end me and Jonny and look elsewhere. But however long down the road, there was a high possibility I would eventually end up in exactly the same position feeling the same way with a different guy. But this guy may not be half the man that Jonny was, because despite what I was feeling, I always knew that Jonny was a good person. He cared about people. Put them first. Jonny had taken a long time to ask me out at the beginning of our relationship because he wanted to think about it and be sure. He wasn’t a feelings led guy. He told me that he was an all or nothing guy, and the second he asked me out he was all in. Jonny was trust worthy and loyal and kind. He made me a better person and he was always there for me. I looked at who Jonny was as a person instead of my feelings and made a decision that day that if I was going to choose to love anyone, I was going to choose to love Jonny. And if love is an action, that meant I actually had to do something about it. It meant instead of just sitting with Jonny in front of the TV and calling it quality time, sometimes I had to turn the TV off and give him my full attention. I had to start putting down my phone and talk to him. We had to plan thoughtful dates together. I still had to offer to make him a cup of tea or make him dinner even if I couldn’t be bothered. I had to tell him why I loved him every day even if I didn’t feel like it. I had to start choosing him over myself. Thinking of him before myself. So I did, and he did the same for me. I noticed that the more I did for him, the more he wanted to do for me. A few months later feelings began to come back. But not the butterfly feelings or spark. These feelings were deeper than that. We went to a deeper level and let each other in more than we ever had before. I didn’t even know different levels existed, but they did. And I wouldn’t have experienced this if I had just given up. Fast forward a few years and Jonny – knowing how much I adore Christmas – set up this beautiful Christmas scene in March, in our church with fairy lights, candles and photographs and proposed to me in the very place we got married in nine months later at Christmas.

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Let’s talk about it.
I can’t tell you how many times since I read that book where I have had conversations with my friends who broke up with their boyfriends after roughly two years because ‘they just didn’t love him anymore.’ They had gone through the same confusion I had gone through and kept it to themselves until their decision had been made, because no one talks about it. We need to start talking about it, but that being said it is also extremely important who we decide we’re talking to. The best advice I ever received before I got married is if we ever had a disagreement, I needed to go to someone who champions Jonny. It is important to talk about what’s going on in your head, but when you are angry or confused the last thing you need is a friend who will add fuel to the fire and tell you how awful that person is. All that does is help create more issues and offence. If you go to someone who loves you both, you will be heard and supported but they will not attack your partner. They will encourage you to find a solution, maybe give your fresh perspective and good advice. Those are the kind of conversations that help save and grow healthy relationships. We need to start talking about it. And now I want to talk about it. I want to say that it is completely normal to loose spark and that doesn’t mean your relationship is over. I want to identify the lie that love is just about feelings because that almost made me throw away the best thing that ever happened to me. And I also want to talk about the things you don’t get to see a lot in films. The next part of the story.

The next part of the story…
I wouldn’t change the first two years of my relationship with Jonny because the beginning of a relationship is exciting. But the beginning also has its own flaws. Like I said before, at the start you only show the good side of yourself. The parts you want them to see which actually means there is a lot you are hiding. You are guarded because you want them to like you. You don’t trust that they won’t walk away if they see all of you. Later on, is when you start to trust them. You can trust that they love and accept you for who you are, good and bad. You can feel secure that they aren’t going anywhere. They are there to support you with your dreams and help you achieve them. They are there for every success, every failure, every new job, every failed job, every promotion, every meltdown, every birthday, every time you loose someone, every time you fall out with friends, every time you make up with friends, every family event, every life changing experience and the normal every day. You always have someone in your corner, cheering you on. Celebrating the good times and being there for you in the bad times. You have someone to talk to about what’s on your mind or how your days gone. You get to learn things together and achieve things together. At the start there may be spark, but later on you get to do life with your best friend who has chosen you and only you, and there is nothing that fills you with more love and security than that.
I don’t want people to ruin their chances of experiencing that all in the hope of getting feelings, because feelings are unreliable. They will always change. Real love is permanent, because it is the decision to keep on loving someone no matter what. If you are in a relationship where you are experiencing a similar doubt as I did, I would like to encourage you to change the way you think before you make any final decisions. Remember that your relationship is simply experiencing a natural, normal transition from one stage to another. Loosing spark isn’t necessarily the end of your relationship, but the beginning of a deeper connection and trust. Remember that love is an action and consider how you could show them love. How could you choose them over yourself today? If you do this it might just save your relationship as it did mine, and you might find that your relationship was worth saving.
Things you could try:

1) Get creative and cook them dinner
2) Offer to make them a drink
3) Pour them a bath – with or without candles and music
4) Do several chores around the house so they can relax
5) Try to ask them how their day has been
6) Sometimes switch off from the TV or your phone and just focus on them
7) Surprise them with a fun activity you’ve planned
8) Have some creative, quality conversation with each other
9) Think of some fun questions you can ask each other to get to know each other more
10) Set a day each week for ‘date night’ where you make time for each other only
11) Find out what your similar interests or hobbies are and do it together
12) If they like hugs, make sure you’re hugging them often
13) Hold their hand
14) Write them thoughtful cards or send them nice texts
15) Tell them you love them every day, even when you don’t feel like it
16) Tell them what you like about them and why you appreciate them so they know why off by heart
17) Leave nice notes around the house
18) Tell other people what you like about them whilst they are there.
19) Surprise them by buying something you know they want
20) Surprise them by buying some food from the shop that you know they like

42 years and counting…
I have been in a relationship with Jonny now for 6 years, but I wanted to talk to a wonderful woman who has been married to her husband for a lot longer than that and find out what their secret is. They are an inspiring couple who still show massive love and respect for each other after 42 years of doing life together. They are a team. What is the secret to a long lasting marriage?

He was the strong, silent type and I was the creative, bubbly type. A true case of opposites attracting between me and my husband. He – a physics undergrad, and me -a reasonably bright A-level student; we met at a youth club and spent the summer decorating the local church hall, which gave us lots of time and opportunity to get to know each other, whilst painting and singing (mostly American) folk songs. This was the era of Dylan, Peter, Paul and Mary, Simon and Garfunkel after all.

Nowadays, when I ask him his advice for being together all these 42 years, his answer is, not unexpectedly, brief; “You should always marry your best friend,” which is kinda nice that he still values me as his best friend…and also highlights that initial attraction alone is not the thing that will keep a relationship deep and lasting. Taking pleasure in each other’s company, sharing your heart, support and comfort, joys and sorrows, are a much larger part of the journey.

For me, learning to appreciate one another is high on the agenda as part of love. I can remember a time early in our married life when we followed a soap of the day, where the couples were constantly bickering, pulling each other down in front of others, highlighting their faults.
I noticed a conversation we had at home one day seemed to sound as if it had come straight out of the programme. I decided I would intentionally stop following that soap which seemed to have got under the radar of my thought processes, stop letting the media and its portrayal of broken or miserable relationships guide mine. Instead, it is helpful to remember what you find attractive and admire in the other person. Small words of appreciation such as ‘Thanks for doing that’ (hated chore) etc… And finding appropriate ways and times to communicate what is irritating and deciding if it might be better to be patient about things sometimes anyway.

The place of kindness is underrated in love; doing those little thoughtful things that the other person appreciates, noticing their struggles and helping out, not always being selfish and demanding. It might be me getting out of my cosy spot in the car with an umbrella when my husband has his head under the broken down 70’s car in the pouring rain. Or perhaps it’s him jumping fully-clothed and booted into an unexpectedly stormy Lake Windermere shallows to pull our rowing boat safely to shore. It could equally be him cutting small hearts out of cucumber to say ‘ I love you’ with the Sunday sandwiches, or maybe singing a cute song round the kitchen to cheer up a recent touch of the blues! Little kindnesses, appreciations, spontaneous words and ways of expressing what we value in each other, have helped to prevent that ‘taking each other for granted’ feeling, even though there have been many seasons when we both have to rely on each other massively.

We don’t often fall out but when we do there is always the ‘Don’t let the sun go down on your anger’ advice, which is hard to follow sometimes but helps to prevent things from festering. To say, ‘Sorry’ and/or being willing to make peace and equally accept it and not staying locked in hurt feelings, pride and vulnerability.

Tired, stressed and a bit grumpy with each after a long journey on a recent holiday we arrived at the restaurant with not much of our usual excited holiday chatter….not the best way to begin a chilled week! But before I’d even headed to the buffet, my better half appeared with two sparkling glasses of celebratory cava to show no ill feeling. (‘The boy really knows how to show a girl a good time!’ as they say). It’s a lifetime of small but significant things that have become part of our lives.

Those young students of the 70’s may have changed almost unrecognisably into the couple we are today, but we have grown together and not succumbed to the myth of ‘I’m a different person now’ as an excuse for not continuing to work on our relationship and deepen our love. For us, being in it for the long term means that creativity and making space for fun and enjoyment can be as much present all these years on as when we first met …perhaps even more because we know each other deeply, almost as much as our own selves. So having married my best friend, hero, sweetheart and lover, it’s a case of “I’ll be there for you…” always and without a doubt…42 years and counting…

Chapman, G. (1995). Five Love Languages. Chicago: Northfield Publishing. Page 29-30, 33-34.