Friends – How to resolve conflict

Last time we talked about how there are three main hurdles that can often cause a rift between even the closest of friends and started with the first one which was ‘getting lazy.’ The second hurdle I want to cover this time is…

2) Resolving conflict

Unfortunately, conflict does happen in friendships because people aren’t perfect and at some point, we are going to feel let down. That is a normal part of life. It cannot be avoided because different people get annoyed or offended about different things and therefore it is near impossible to please everyone at once. You could even do something with the best intentions and with someone’s best interests at heart, and end up offending them instead. We have no control over anyone else’s actions or responses. But what we do have control over is ours and how we choose to deal with it. When it comes to resolving conflict are three types of people.

Angry and loud

If these people get annoyed, they are not afraid to deal with the issue head on and be brutally honest about everything without mincing their words. These people let their anger take control and let all their thoughts and emotions out with no thought to the other people’s feelings. A lot of sentences in these confrontations involve the words, “You, always,” and “Never.”

‘A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.’ Proverbs 15, The Bible. This could not be truer. Usually the other person then gets their back up and starts shouting back in an attempt to defend themselves and point the blame elsewhere. Both people find themselves getting angrier and suddenly the goal of the conversation shifts from resolving conflict to who can say the most hurtful things. Suddenly they start to exaggerate and say things they don’t mean just to make the other person feel as hurt as they feel and pretty soon all you’re left with is a lot of damage and hurt feelings from both parties. Many friendships have even ended this way.

Passive Aggressive

If these people get annoyed at someone, they don’t say anything to them at all. There is nothing direct about this approach. Instead they moan to other people and act passive aggressively. Up until about a year ago, this was my speciality. My go to. The reason being I didn’t want anyone to get angry and annoyed at me so if I had a problem with someone I vented elsewhere. I could be annoyed, but not them. The problem with this one is, the way we deal with our irritation disguises itself as a good thing. “I’m not saying anything horrible to them. We never fall out. I’m just letting it out somewhere else to help me.” This is what I told myself as I moaned to other people until a couple of years ago when I had to preach about it at church. As I sat there planning what I was going to say and looking up verses in the bible, it was then when I realised that I didn’t moan about my friends to other friends because I wanted advice and help. I moaned about them because I wanted my other friends to understand what an awful person they had been. I wanted them to moan too and say, “Poor you. You were in the right. They are so bang out of order.” It was almost like I wanted them to be on my side and I realised I should call it what it actually was. Bitchiness. A power play.

Because the truth is, if I never brought up my offense with my friend, how could they change it? How could we resolve it? Moaning about them to other people wasn’t helping our friendship get better. It was actually making me feel more irritated and justified and making other people think badly of them too. An example of this is when a couple of years ago someone had offended me so I told another friend because I wanted to get it off my chest. What happened though was my other friend started to dislike this person and moaned about them too. Do you notice that when you talk about someone in a negative way, it feels good to “get it off your chest,” but afterwards you feel differently when you see them? Or even worse they find out what you said and you’re embarrassed? That’s usually an indication that it wasn’t the right thing to do. At the time, it felt good to feel supported and justified, but looking back on it now I realise nothing good came from it. There was no love in the situation and instead of my offence being dealt with quietly, I’d just shared it around with more people. It was now their issue too.

The problem with not saying anything is it means the issues never go away. We think we are saving our friendship if we never talk about negative things, but what is essentially happening is we are building a silent wedge between us that never gets dealt with. And you don’t forget those things. It just builds and builds and you moan more and more until it starts to affect your behaviour towards them. That’s when you start to act passive aggressively. Subtle insults are thrown around, you start to act coldly, you don’t want to hang out anymore and you can’t see what you liked about them in the first place. There are two ways it can go then. Either you both end up ‘naturally’ going your separate ways, or it blows up into a big, heated argument and you then don’t know how to find your way back to being friends. The passive aggressive attitude is a slow process but I believe to be the most destructive.

Positive confrontation.

The third group of people are the ones who deal with conflict in the best way and who over the last year or so I have been striving to be like. When they are annoyed, they don’t lose their temper and say the first thing in their heads. Likewise they also don’t leave issues to lie and fester and eat away at their friendship. Instead they calm down, think about what they are going to say and talk to their friends honestly but with love! “When you’ve done this, it has made me feel like this. I really care about you so I want to get past it.” The difference between this approach and the loud and angry approach is the care behind it. The aim isn’t to insult them and tell them what a bad person they are, but to genuinely resolve the issue so you can both move forward because they mean too much to you to lose over it. It’s choosing love over offense. It separates the person from the issue and focuses on the issue, not the person. It is gentle and kind but with purpose. You are not attacking them, but addressing the issue head on. It helps people understand that it is not them you have a problem with, but merely their actions. And actions can be changed. If people feel loved, they are less likely to get their back up and more likely to work with you to sort it out.

There are two people in my life who have helped me learn this.

The first is my husband Jonny. Funnily enough, I was more like the loud and angry person with him and him alone. Our problem with resolving conflict was completely different. Neither of us held back and could have some heated arguments. Over the years, we have had to learn a lot on how to resolve issues. I am not claiming that we are now perfect, but the way we handle disagreements has transformed dramatically on the whole. We have learnt a couple of things that has really helped our relationship grow.

1. Always apologise. They have a side. Whether you feel like you are completely in the right or not, they have still had their feelings hurt by the situation. Even if you feel like you haven’t done anything wrong, you can still apologise for making them feel that way. I have never known a word more powerful than, “Sorry.” I can be absolutely livid and then all Jonny has to say is a genuine apology and it catches me off guard. It’s like it deflates me. It has the same effect on Jonny too. It can extinguish a situation almost immediately because you are taking responsibility for hurting them and they feel understood. And that’s all people want. To feel understood. Sometimes you can feel like you’re always the one who has to say sorry first which can be irritating, but you can’t control their response, you can only control yours. Pride stops us from apologising, but it shouldn’t. If the relationship can heal and improve because you chose making it right over pride, then that says a lot about the kind of person you are.

2. Do more listening than talking. This is the hardest one because when you’re angry and they are saying something you disagree with then you want to fight back. It goes against every fibre in our being. But listening is one of the most powerful tools in arguments. I don’t mean staying quiet as they talk whilst planning what you’re going to say next. But actually listening to what they are saying and trying to understand what they are trying to communicate. Before when we argued, we’d talk over each other and get louder and louder. But recently I have physically watched Jonny calm down in front of me when he’s able to talk. In our marriage preparation course, we were advised to repeat back what that person had just said to you in your own words to show them that you had heard them and understood what they were saying. True listening makes people feel understood and once again, feeling understood just deflates people’s anger. Then you know what to apologise for and what you can change to make them feel better.

3. Be proactive about changing it. This one’s easier. If there is something we are doing or saying that is hurting someone, don’t do or say it. If there is something we’re not doing or saying, try and work out how to do or say it!

4. Time out. This is for those disagreements that you are just too angry to resolve at that current moment, usually because it’s really late and really you’re both just tired and need sleep. Sometimes it is better just to agree to take a time out, go and calm down – or sleep – or eat (hanger is real) – and come back to it at a better time where you can actually talk about it properly.

5. Going to someone who champions that person. This is different from just being bitchy. I have said this before in a previous blog but the best advice I ever received before I got married is if we ever had a disagreement, I needed to go to someone who champions Jonny. It is important to talk about what’s going on in your head, but when you are angry or confused the last thing you need is a friend who will add fuel to the fire and tell you how awful that person is. All that does is help create more issues and offence. If you go to someone who loves you both, you will be heard and supported but they will not attack your friend. They will encourage you to find a solution, maybe give your fresh perspective and good advice. Those are the kind of conversations that help save and grow healthy relationships. Find a helper, not a stirrer.

All of this is the same for resolving conflict with friends. When we are naturally having disagreements, we need to be prepared to apologise if we have hurt them. We need to be prepared to listen, to be proactive or otherwise go and calm down first and talk to someone who champions them so they will be talked about positively rather than making you more angry.

The second person is one of my best friends. When Jonny and I bought our first house together, I was still living with two of my best friends. I was going to move into our house once myself and Jonny got married. But the excitement of buying a house absolutely took over and I was there all the time, hanging out with Jonny and planning what our house would be like. This itself was totally fine obviously! But what I had started to do was get lazy with my other friends. I never went home to hang out with them. Like I talked about in my previous blog, my new significant life change was my shiny new house with my now fiancé – and that’s pretty massive! But I didn’t share it with my friends, I replaced them with it. And gradually over time my friend began to feel like she was unimportant to me. I sensed that she was annoyed and in my true passive aggressive nature, I avoided it like the plague. I tried to act normal for a few months but then eventually moaned to another friend about it. However, this other friend ended up saying something that really changed the way I thought. She said to me, “Is this worth losing your best friend over?” That was the question that made me think. Did I want to lose her? The answer was no, but that meant I had to deal with it. So eventually we ended up having a very hard and very awkward chat in the car and got everything out. We both apologised and we both got proactive with it. I made sure I made time for her and kept her involved in my life and from that moment it was literally like all the rubbish between us just disappeared. In fact we were better than ever! And since then, every now and then if there is something that has bugged us, we just talk about it, make the changes and it’s done. The beauty of it is, I know if she isn’t telling me that I’ve hurt her, then I genuinely haven’t. I know she isn’t moaning about me and there is nothing festering. It’s honest and kind and loving. What you see is what you get. There is a lot of freedom in a friendship like that. Conflict doesn’t have to be bad when you use healthy conflict resolutions. It can actually make a relationship stronger and healthier.

I just want to highlight that this doesn’t then mean you “positively confront” your friends all the time. Actually some things can be left to lie and you just need a bit of time to get over it. Realise that they haven’t done it to hurt you or annoy you, they’ve just not thought about it. I’m talking about the things that can’t be left to lie. The actions that have caused deep hurt that you just can’t seem to get over and it is started to affect how you see them. It is in that time where you need to ask yourself if it is worth losing them over? And sometimes – very rarely but sometimes – it is. Sometimes there are people who don’t actually care about you. They may use your or manipulate you. Tear you down rather than build you up and no amount of talking will change that. These are not healthy friendships and it is totally your call whether you choose to leave it or not. But if you do have a friend who has been there for you time and time again and you are just going through something, I would advise you not to give up on them just yet, because friendship is worth fighting for. Like I said at the beginning, we have no control over anyone else’s actions or responses. But what we do have control over is ours.

TJ_TC_225

Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. Ephesians 4: 29, The Bible

Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the spirit binding yourselves together with peace.

Ephesians 4:2, The Bible

Make allowance for each others faults and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from God rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace.

Colossians 3:12 – 15, The Bible

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4 – 8

Finally all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tender-hearted and keep a humble attitude. Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will bless you for it. 1 Peter 3:8, The Bible

Friends – How to keep them!

Friendship is literally one of the most complex relationships we’ll ever have to figure out. Some run deep, whereas other people are more like acquaintances. Some last forever whereas some last for a short period of time. Some feel easy and some seem to take a lot of hard work. I feel like over the last few years I have learnt a lot about what it means to be a friend and yet at the same time, I still have a heck of a lot to learn. However in those years I have come to realise that there are three main hurdles that can often cause a rift between even the closest of friends. It’s quite a big topic to talk about and so I’m going to split it into three blog posts. A hurdle a post.

1) Getting lazy

This is the easiest behaviour to fall into and yet is hard to identify as a problem because its effect is slow. It is essentially a result from getting too comfortable in a relationship. Just like with romantic relationships, at the beginning of a friendship you are on your best behaviour once you’ve decided you like them. You put in loads of effort because you want them to like you and when they do, happy days! New friend! Soon enough though, you get used to each other and you become comfortable with each other. Now comfortable isn’t bad. In fact comfortable is a great thing! It shows that a relationship is genuine and people can be themselves without fear of being rejected. It is a step towards friends feeling like family. However being too comfortable is when things go downhill. It is when comfort becomes complacency. All of us have experienced this at some point and have even been the guilty party who hasn’t put the effort in, myself included. We get lazy, and we drift apart. Some causes of this are:

Long distance

More often than not, our paths lead us to different places in our lives whether that be education, a new job, who we date or where we live. We stop seeing our friends as often as we used to and that is when some friends part ways. This is when we hear the common phrase, “Let’s stay in touch.” The shame of it is the intention is there, but not always the delivery. Unfortunately we cannot avoid the fact that we will not live near all our friends all the time and long distance is a part of friendship. However what can be avoided is losing those friends from our lives.

Significant changes in our lives

It is easy to put effort into our friends when they slot so perfectly into our daily routine and there is nothing to distract us. It is a lot harder when that routine changes or when something – or someone – changes it. A new job. A baby. A new group of friends. A new boyfriend/girlfriend. Something that requires more of your attention. When we get these new things in our lives it is exciting. Of course we have to focus on our new job or a baby! Of course we want to spend every second we can with the person we are in a relationship with. The hurdle arises however when this new things begins to replace our friends entirely. When we start to steal from the time set aside for our friends until eventually they have nothing left. We start rescheduling and cancelling more and more and maybe even stop seeing them altogether. I totally get it when it comes to being in a new relationship because I’ve experienced that. When I first started going out with my husband Jonny, all I wanted to do was hang out with him. I was lucky with him though because right from the start Jonny told me he didn’t want us to be in our own bubble. He had friends that he wanted to see and I had friends that I should see, otherwise we were going to find ourselves alone. So that’s what he did. Every now and then he told me he was going to be busy one night because he wanted to hang out with his mates. And at first I hated those nights! All I wanted was to spend time with him. So I would sit at home and watch TV, wishing he was with me. I chose to be with Jonny over putting any effort into anyone else. A little later down the road, that left me with hardly any friends. I’d not bothered with them so they’d not bothered with me and although I had Jonny and my family, I didn’t have anyone else and that was a pretty lonely place to be. So I changed it. I learnt my lesson and I began to put effort into people again and now I am in a place where not only do I have Jonny – because surprisingly he didn’t suffer from not seeing me for a couple of hours every now and then – but I have an amazing group of friends who genuinely care for me as much as I care about them! Jonny goes out with his mates and I’m happy about it because I want him to! Friends are a really important part of life. New changes in our lives don’t have to replace our friends. It is just another part of our lives to share with them.

What both of these causes have in common are the excuses we use alongside them.

“I’ve been so busy.”

“I’m too tired.”

“I’m sorry I’m seeing my boyfriend/girlfriend tonight.”

Although sometimes these excuses are valid, it is using them repetitively that takes a toll on the friendship in the end. When we get lazy and stop putting any effort into communicating with each other, making time to chat for an hour or so to catch up and take a genuine interest in each other’s lives, we lose touch. When we stop putting any genuine effort into arranging a date to hang out and sticking to that date, we lose touch. And actually like I said before, loosing friends from our lives can be avoided. How?

1) Through communication. By making time to find out how they are and showing them you care. Give them a call. Text them. If you know they’ve got something important going on soon, chase it up and find out how it went. Encourage them. Celebrate with them in the highs. Support them in the lows. Just be there and also share your life with them! Let them be there for you too.

2) Through arranging time to hang out. Being proactive, getting your calendar out and booking in a date when you’re both free to hang out – and stick to it! I am a big believer in honouring your first commitment. If you have arranged to do something, you don’t sack it off for a “better offer.” That makes people feel exposable and unimportant to you. Give them your time. Make sure you’re around to celebrate big events in their lives or support them when life gets hard.

These two things alone are enough to maintain a healthy friendship but there are other ways. In a book called, ‘The Five Love Languages,’ it talks about how people have different love languages. There are five different ways people give and receive love.

– Words of encouragement. Some people feel loved when others are building them up and encouraging them.

– Quality time, like I mentioned. Others feel loved when people aren’t just hanging out on their phones, but are actually having quality conversations and doing quality activities together.

– Receiving gifts. If we buy gifts for people, it makes them think, “They thought about me.” This can even stretch to buying people a chocolate bar.

– Acts of service. Some people feel loved when you help them out and serve them. That could be house chores or it could be helping them out if they are really busy.

– Physical touch. Pretty self-explanatory.

Those a few more ways that we can avoid losing our friends from our lives, and actually it can be really fun to work out what people’s love languages are and start showing them we care in that way. It is merely preferring your friends despite how you feel. By making sure they know you care about them despite what’s going on with you. Because actually it’s attainable. You don’t have to give all your time and attention in order to achieve it. No one is too busy to give up an hour in a week. Even if your significant life change involves having a baby or getting a new job and free time really is rare, there will still be some time somewhere for your friends. Get them involved in your child’s life! Friends shouldn’t be your lives, but they should be a part of them. They should enhance them. Don’t do what I did and push your friendships to the side, because it gets very lonely without them. The secret to good friendship is to show them you care about them. Not just tell them because words can become meaningless if they are not backed up by actions. But that’s it. That’s how simple it is. To overcome the hurdle of laziness, it simply involves being proactive and just showing you care.

When I was a teenager, another reason I didn’t used to chat to people or arrange hangouts was because I felt like I was always the first person to bring up conversation or suggest hanging out. I sat at home thinking everyone else was hanging out and I wasn’t thought about. I would say to myself, “No I won’t text them. Why do I always have to be the one to put in effort.” For me it was a sign of insecurity. The ironic thing is, the majority of people all sit at home thinking this same thing! Most people think they are always the one putting in effort so they leave it to see if anyone else will and we are all just sat at home leaving it. But you know what. Sometimes people are genuinely just really busy and are going about their normal lives. I’ve learnt that it doesn’t matter if I’m the first one to start off a conversation or if I’m the first one to arrange a hang out. It doesn’t make me pathetic. It means I have to opportunity to show someone else that I care about them. That I’ve thought about them. Being the first one isn’t a bad thing. It’s a blessing! It means I have security in myself. It means I get to make other people feel good about themselves. And actually it means we get to chat and hang out and get closer! If I can be part of the reason that we are closer, then happy days!

Like I said at the beginning, this is just one of three hurdles that can get in the way of friendships. And the things about hurdles is they usually they take effort on your part to get over them. They take hard work but it’s worth it because once you’ve done it, you’re surrounded by people who love you on the other side.

Chapman, G. (1995). Five Love Languages. Chicago: Northfield Publishing.