It’s Time for the Deep End!

So it’s the New Year. 2019. A fresh slate. An opportunity for anything to happen!
A lot of us might have set some New Year’s resolutions – some of us might have already given up on those New Year’s Resolutions. Some people haven’t come up with any at all because they don’t see the point. I personally LOVE setting New Year’s Resolutions. I don’t see it as a sure way to fail, but an opportunity to get better. And you have 12 months to try! You can try something you’ve always wanted to learn, put yourself out there, see people more often.

Maybe one of your resolutions this year is to try something new? Or go back to something you haven’t done in years? A hobby? A talent?

I love finding out what people are good at. That thing they know about and enjoy talking about because they love it. You hear all kinds of answers. Photography. Singing. Drawing. Guitar. Sewing. Football. Karate. It just makes conversation so much more interesting than the usual small talk starters. You know, “What do you do?” “Guess how old I am.” And it’s more interesting because they’re talking about something they care about. Next thing I ask is, “Are you doing it?” People tend to be quite thrown by that question. Because a lot of the time, the answer is no.

If you had asked me what I loved doing, I would of said dancing, singing and writing. Those were my three. I loved to dance when I was younger. I danced all the time, anywhere and everywhere, getting involved in anything that I could. But if you asked me if I was dancing now, my answer would have been no. And the reason for this is quite simple. I cared too much about what people thought.

I don’t think I’m alone in that. How many of us won’t do something because there are too many people around? How many of us are scared about what other people might think? The thing about our talents is that they are a little part of who we are. They are precious to us because not only are we good at them, we enjoy them. So if anyone were to reject our talents, they would be rejecting us. We don’t want people to think that we are not good enough at our talents because that’s the thing we’re good at. So if people think we are not good at that, then what are we good at? And we tell ourselves, ‘nothing.’ So to prevent this, we take our talents, the things we’re good at, the things we enjoy, and we hide them away because we are afraid of the world’s opinion.

Dream vs. Reality
When I was younger, I loved it so much I decided I wanted to do it professionally for a job so I begged my parents to take me to dance college, which they did. But I learnt quickly that the picture I had had in my head of what it would be like, was in fact very, very different to the real thing.
In the real professional dance world, image is everything. It has to be. You have to be the best of the best if you want to get anywhere. If you’re not, you’re practically invisible. There’s no room for anything less than the best. On top of that, you have to look a certain way. You have to be beautiful. You have to be striking. You have to be different. I didn’t realise that when I stepped into this world as a sixteen year old girl. I was good at dancing and I loved it with all my heart, but so did the other students in my class. Students where the majority of them had been training at a high level from a very young age. Students who already had brilliant technique as I was learning it for the first time. Students who weren’t just good. They were brilliant. They were the best. Very quickly I found myself drowning and falling further and further behind. I tried so hard but they were better. But it wasn’t just skill alone where I was behind.

On top of that, one of the teachers from the dance school told me over the time I was there that I didn’t know how to do my hair or my make- up and my bum was too big. She said I was a wallflower. That I was currently unnoticeable. It was her way of trying to improve me and help me. To make me do something about it so I would be better and haver a better chance in this profession obsessed with image. But as a sixteen year old girl who already didn’t have a very high opinion of herself, it floored me. I remember one day someone gave me a makeover and as I walked out of the changing rooms, a boy in my class said to me, “You were one of the worst looking girls but now you look good.” I cared about what these people thought and hung onto every word that they said. As the year went on I felt more and more average looking, humiliated and invisible.

When we performed routines in front of each other, no one watched me. When it came to the end of year shows, no one chose me for their choreography. I was hardly involved in anything. I began to believe I wasn’t good at dancing. I noticed the others improve and exceed and grow in confidence, and watched as mine shrivelled up before my eyes. I completed the course two years later and I gained a qualification, but I lost my love for dance.
I decided to put dance on the shelf and do something completely different with my life. That’s what took me to Manchester. I lived with my friends Jacquie and Steve for a bit and ended up telling Jacquie about my dancing. After that, she would bring it up every now and then for years after I told her, encouraging me to try again. Not for a profession, but in church or for fun. And for years I would half -heartedly agree with absolutely no intention of doing it. I just didn’t dance anymore. No biggy. I also loved writing when I was younger. Did it all the time until I got older and got too busy. Guess what? Didn’t do that either. I buried both of them in the ground because to me, it was safer there. Safer to hide. No one could bad mouth them there.

7 years later…
That was 7 years ago, and in that time I got closer to God by spending time with him and learned more about who He is and how much he loved me. I gradually got my confidence and my identity back to the point where I am incredibly secure in who I am. I know who I am. But God started to pull me up on dance, reminding me that I loved it and that it was something that he’d given to me for me. I had been putting off dance because of people’s opinions. That people would see me and think I wasn’t good enough. But they were only opinions! And opinions are different. They’re subjective. They change. They are up and down. People are for you and then they’re against you. Whereas I had been learning that God’s opinion of me never changed, no matter what I did. He speaks truth. He always loved me, he is always there as my biggest supporter and he’d made me to dance. It didn’t matter what people thought, it only mattered what he thought. So eventually I decided to try a dance class as a 25 year old.

The Deep End
It was hilarious actually. I thought I’d go easy on myself and start with the beginners class so I went with my two friends from church. But when we got there the beginners class had been cancelled for that week alone. In its place was an advanced street class full of very gangster street dancers who had been doing it since they were in the womb, and that class was in a front studio which had a wall of glass so everyone outside could see in. We freaked out but thought we’d driven all that way so we might as well give it a go. I said a little prayer to God. Something probably along the lines of, “HELP ME!” It was completely out of my comfort zone and at first I felt all my old fears creeping up. But then something different happened. Before I would look at those dancers and think, “I’m not as good as that. I look really stupid. I might as well give up now.” But this time I found myself thinking, “I want to be as good as them. If I give up, how can I do that? But if I give it a go, and give it my everything, I will get there. It’s not about skill. It’s about willingness.”

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Do you know the people in this world who have excelled in their talents are the people who took risks and went for it even when there was a chance they could fail? I realised then that it didn’t matter what people thought. It didn’t matter if they were better or worse than me. It didn’t matter if I made mistakes and got it wrong. What mattered was my willingness to try and get better. What mattered was being myself and doing what I loved because I loved it. What happened if I failed? I just got back up again. You live and learn.
Going back to dance was the best thing I ever did that year! I have loved every single class and it’s brought so much joy back to my life! It even helped me take more risks with singing and start writing again . And guess what, all my friends and family have been completely behind me anyway. My friend Jacquie was practically in tears that God had freed me and I was finally doing what I loved again. They’re not why I did it, but it’s been amazing to have people so happy for me.
Life is about jumping into the deep end, taking a risk and – if you believe he exists – trusting God. Because when we fully step out and make ourselves vulnerable, there is an opportunity for us to grow in ways we never thought possible and learn more than we ever could of if we had just played it safe. You gain so much more than you loose. It’s freeing! Life is so much more exciting and there are so many more experiences available to us.

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If you have something you love and want to do but aren’t doing it because of what others might think… just do it! People in your life will probably be more behind you than you thought, but if not do it anyway! If this is your New Year’s Resolution, do it! If it’s not, do it anyway. No one can be you. All that matters is just going for it and doing what you love without the weight of other’s opinions. Get out of your comfort zone and be the best version of yourself. The deep end is where the adventure is. I hope 2019 is an exciting year for you! In fact, I hope it is the best year ever!

Friends – ‘Comparison is the Thief of Joy’

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3) Comparison

The last of the three main hurdles that can cause a rift between friends is comparison.We are a generation who loves to compare. We compare everything from looks and possessions to successes and relationships. Who has the better relationship? The better job? The better house? The better clothes? Who is more popular? Who is prettier? Who is fitter? Who is funnier? Who is smarter? Who sings better? Who plays better? Who works harder? We constantly find ourselves in competition, constantly having to ramp it up because we have fallen into that trap of basing our self- esteem on being better than others or having the best things. It’s hard work and it’s exhausting. And the thing is, the second we start losing we usually find our whole life comes crashing down. And we start wanting what other people have. Jealousy is a terrible thing. It is destructive. It is stemmed from not being satisfied or grateful for what you already have, and turns into a silent resentment that starts to eat away at you. It doesn’t matter if that person is a stranger, a friend or a family member. If you start to become jealous over who they are and what they have, you stop being happy for them. You stop wanting the best for them and you start to feel negatively towards them. Jealousy and comparison don’t just have the potential to ruin our own self – esteem and happiness, but our relationships as well. It’s even worse when we compare and think we are winning. That we are better and what we have is better, because that is when pride and arrogance step in. And it is a lie. Money does not make a person better, neither do looks or possessions or status. We have not looked into the eyes of anyone who we are superior to nor inferior. We are all different and unique definitely. But we are equals. Equals who bring different things to the table rather than competitors trying to win our way there. What if I told you it didn’t have to be that way? That your life didn’t have to be one big competition all the time and you could actually just be happy? It involves having a complete change of attitude and training yourself to think about it in a different away. It involves two things.

1) Being grateful for what you have.

It can be so easy to moan about the things in your life, especially when you have got yourself in a habit of thinking negatively. But the truth is, if you have friends and family who love you, that’s precious. If you have a house, that’s a blessing. If you have a job, that’s a life saver. If you’re comparing what someone else has over you, look at what you have again and start noticing the beauty of that, because it is beautiful. What they have is different, not better. And as for possessions, possessions are luxuries, not necessities. Some people don’t have that. Some people have less than you. I know that sentence is incredibly overused but it is true. What’s ironic is in my experience, I usually find it’s the people who have less who are happier because they understand what’s important in life. The times in my life where I have been most happy is when I’ve gone camping with my friends, simply because you don’t take any of your possessions with you. It doesn’t matter about money and it doesn’t matter what you wear or how you look. You’re camping! You’re all in the same boat. You can’t be on your phone all the time or watch TV. You have each other and you start to interact with people again and talk and play games, rather than staring absentmindedly at your phone or hiding in the four walls of your home. It starts to bring a bit of equality back into life. You get to know people properly and realise how great they are and remember what truly matters in life. You stop worrying about what people are thinking about you and letting that get in the way of actually getting closer to them. You become grateful for them and what they bring to your life rather than all the rest of it. And you start caring about them rather than competing with them. Although we can’t always go camping, we can start remembering who we have in our lives and making time for them. There is a phrase that says, the best things in life are free. People are amazing and you don’t have to buy them. It’s time we started appreciating them again.

Sometimes, it can be as simple as appreciating creation around you. Nature is beautiful. When was the last time you stopped to appreciate it?

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And when it comes to your comparing your talents and what you love doing, remember that it doesn’t matter if people are better than you or worse than you. It’s simply about doing what you love because you love it and it makes you happy. If you have something that you love that makes you happy, you should be grateful for that gift in your life. Because some people don’t think they are good at anything or enjoy doing anything. (Which isn’t true by the way. And as a side note, sometimes the question isn’t “What am I good at?” but “What do I enjoy?” Everyone enjoys doing something. You just have to find it.) It isn’t about skill. It’s about willingness. And if you want to be better, practice! Focus on where you are at and where you want to be, not anyone else. They may be good, but they are different. You are different. You bring something different to the table. I have a very good friend who has an amazing phrase that we’ve all started to live by. He says, “You be you.” I love it. It’s so simple. Don’t try to be anyone else but be the best version of you. No one can be you. You are you and they are them. As a Christian, I believe God created you the way you are for a reason, and you were created to be loved by him. That is your purpose, and that is why you will always be enough.

So if you are struggling with comparison, maybe write down – or at least start thinking about – what you actually have in your life to be grateful for. And I’ll be honest, it isn’t a quick fix. Like I said at the beginning, you have to train yourself to think like this. It’s like athletes who have to train to be good enough for competitions. It takes time and you have to do it over and over. But if you consistently train yourself to be grateful for things in your life and think positively about what you have, it will become gradually more natural to you, and you will have an appreciation of life that you didn’t have before. The difference a positive attitude can make to your life is enormous. It’s hard but it’s worth it.

2) Preferring others.

Naturally we think of ourselves. Our needs, our wants and our desires. And this is where comparison thrives because we are all looking out for number one and nobody can get in the way of that. But if we were to stop looking inwardly at ourselves and what we can gain for one moment, and start to look outwardly at others and have their best interests at heart, comparison finally gives way to something else. Love and joy. When we start caring more about what other people have and put their needs and feelings before our own, our whole perspective shifts. Instead of thinking, “Why them?” we train ourselves to be happy for what they have because we love them, and we want the best for them. We want them to be happy. When we realise it’s not just about us, that starts to affect our own feelings about ourselves. It feels good to love other people. We were created to do it. It’s not about winning or being better. It’s about wanting the best for each other. Loving each other extravagantly. It doesn’t matter if this person keeps getting more opportunities than us. Good for them! They’re happy and that’s a great thing. Celebrate with them. And one day an opportunity will come to you, and you will have one more person cheering in your corner. One example I could give is how much I love my sister. Now in the world’s eyes she has a better job than me and a bigger house than me and has seen more of the world than I have. But I can genuinely say that not once have I been jealous of her. She’s done well in her life, and she’s worked hard to get there. Plus I’m very grateful for the job I have and the house I live in. They’re blessings to me. Bigger isn’t better to me, and money doesn’t buy my happiness. But seeing my sister content, that does make me happy. And even if my sister were to win the lottery and have more opportunities in life than me, and have more friends than me and go on more holidays than me, I would be overjoyed for her. Because I love her, and I want her to have the best life. Another example is a girl I used to find myself competing with when it came to our friends. If she hung out with people more than me or got invited to places I didn’t I hated it. Likewise, if I got to hang out and she didn’t, I felt very smug. But over the years as I have been learning about preferring others, I came to realise that she wasn’t better than me. And I wasn’t better than her. We were different, and our friends loved us equally for different reasons. It was okay that people wanted to hang out with her, because actually she was my friend. I should want her to be loved and have the best friendships that she could. So I changed my attitude and started training myself to be happy for her, that she had people in her life to support and love her, myself included. Not only did it do wonders for our friendship, it did wonders for my self-esteem too. The thing is, our self- esteem shouldn’t be based on others or on things. We should be more concerned on who we are as people.

If we can start to train ourselves to prefer others and appreciate what we have in our own lives, comparison dies and suddenly we start to look out for each other instead. Our relationships start to flourish. We start to realise the beauty of everyone bringing something different to the table, and realise our own self-worth as well. We realise that they are not better and we are not better, but that we are all of equal worth. The world would be a happier place if we started to look at everyone that way.

“Comparison is the thief of joy.”

Theodore Roosevelt

“Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them.

Romans 12:9 – The Bible

“Don’t act out of selfish ambition or be conceited. Instead, humbly think of others as being better than yourselves.

Philippians 2:3 – The Bible

“In all things, give thanks.”

1 Thessalonians 5:18 – The Bible

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father.”

James 1:17 – The Bible

Friends – How to resolve conflict

Last time we talked about how there are three main hurdles that can often cause a rift between even the closest of friends and started with the first one which was ‘getting lazy.’ The second hurdle I want to cover this time is…

2) Resolving conflict

Unfortunately, conflict does happen in friendships because people aren’t perfect and at some point, we are going to feel let down. That is a normal part of life. It cannot be avoided because different people get annoyed or offended about different things and therefore it is near impossible to please everyone at once. You could even do something with the best intentions and with someone’s best interests at heart, and end up offending them instead. We have no control over anyone else’s actions or responses. But what we do have control over is ours and how we choose to deal with it. When it comes to resolving conflict are three types of people.

Angry and loud

If these people get annoyed, they are not afraid to deal with the issue head on and be brutally honest about everything without mincing their words. These people let their anger take control and let all their thoughts and emotions out with no thought to the other people’s feelings. A lot of sentences in these confrontations involve the words, “You, always,” and “Never.”

‘A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.’ Proverbs 15, The Bible. This could not be truer. Usually the other person then gets their back up and starts shouting back in an attempt to defend themselves and point the blame elsewhere. Both people find themselves getting angrier and suddenly the goal of the conversation shifts from resolving conflict to who can say the most hurtful things. Suddenly they start to exaggerate and say things they don’t mean just to make the other person feel as hurt as they feel and pretty soon all you’re left with is a lot of damage and hurt feelings from both parties. Many friendships have even ended this way.

Passive Aggressive

If these people get annoyed at someone, they don’t say anything to them at all. There is nothing direct about this approach. Instead they moan to other people and act passive aggressively. Up until about a year ago, this was my speciality. My go to. The reason being I didn’t want anyone to get angry and annoyed at me so if I had a problem with someone I vented elsewhere. I could be annoyed, but not them. The problem with this one is, the way we deal with our irritation disguises itself as a good thing. “I’m not saying anything horrible to them. We never fall out. I’m just letting it out somewhere else to help me.” This is what I told myself as I moaned to other people until a couple of years ago when I had to preach about it at church. As I sat there planning what I was going to say and looking up verses in the bible, it was then when I realised that I didn’t moan about my friends to other friends because I wanted advice and help. I moaned about them because I wanted my other friends to understand what an awful person they had been. I wanted them to moan too and say, “Poor you. You were in the right. They are so bang out of order.” It was almost like I wanted them to be on my side and I realised I should call it what it actually was. Bitchiness. A power play.

Because the truth is, if I never brought up my offense with my friend, how could they change it? How could we resolve it? Moaning about them to other people wasn’t helping our friendship get better. It was actually making me feel more irritated and justified and making other people think badly of them too. An example of this is when a couple of years ago someone had offended me so I told another friend because I wanted to get it off my chest. What happened though was my other friend started to dislike this person and moaned about them too. Do you notice that when you talk about someone in a negative way, it feels good to “get it off your chest,” but afterwards you feel differently when you see them? Or even worse they find out what you said and you’re embarrassed? That’s usually an indication that it wasn’t the right thing to do. At the time, it felt good to feel supported and justified, but looking back on it now I realise nothing good came from it. There was no love in the situation and instead of my offence being dealt with quietly, I’d just shared it around with more people. It was now their issue too.

The problem with not saying anything is it means the issues never go away. We think we are saving our friendship if we never talk about negative things, but what is essentially happening is we are building a silent wedge between us that never gets dealt with. And you don’t forget those things. It just builds and builds and you moan more and more until it starts to affect your behaviour towards them. That’s when you start to act passive aggressively. Subtle insults are thrown around, you start to act coldly, you don’t want to hang out anymore and you can’t see what you liked about them in the first place. There are two ways it can go then. Either you both end up ‘naturally’ going your separate ways, or it blows up into a big, heated argument and you then don’t know how to find your way back to being friends. The passive aggressive attitude is a slow process but I believe to be the most destructive.

Positive confrontation.

The third group of people are the ones who deal with conflict in the best way and who over the last year or so I have been striving to be like. When they are annoyed, they don’t lose their temper and say the first thing in their heads. Likewise they also don’t leave issues to lie and fester and eat away at their friendship. Instead they calm down, think about what they are going to say and talk to their friends honestly but with love! “When you’ve done this, it has made me feel like this. I really care about you so I want to get past it.” The difference between this approach and the loud and angry approach is the care behind it. The aim isn’t to insult them and tell them what a bad person they are, but to genuinely resolve the issue so you can both move forward because they mean too much to you to lose over it. It’s choosing love over offense. It separates the person from the issue and focuses on the issue, not the person. It is gentle and kind but with purpose. You are not attacking them, but addressing the issue head on. It helps people understand that it is not them you have a problem with, but merely their actions. And actions can be changed. If people feel loved, they are less likely to get their back up and more likely to work with you to sort it out.

There are two people in my life who have helped me learn this.

The first is my husband Jonny. Funnily enough, I was more like the loud and angry person with him and him alone. Our problem with resolving conflict was completely different. Neither of us held back and could have some heated arguments. Over the years, we have had to learn a lot on how to resolve issues. I am not claiming that we are now perfect, but the way we handle disagreements has transformed dramatically on the whole. We have learnt a couple of things that has really helped our relationship grow.

1. Always apologise. They have a side. Whether you feel like you are completely in the right or not, they have still had their feelings hurt by the situation. Even if you feel like you haven’t done anything wrong, you can still apologise for making them feel that way. I have never known a word more powerful than, “Sorry.” I can be absolutely livid and then all Jonny has to say is a genuine apology and it catches me off guard. It’s like it deflates me. It has the same effect on Jonny too. It can extinguish a situation almost immediately because you are taking responsibility for hurting them and they feel understood. And that’s all people want. To feel understood. Sometimes you can feel like you’re always the one who has to say sorry first which can be irritating, but you can’t control their response, you can only control yours. Pride stops us from apologising, but it shouldn’t. If the relationship can heal and improve because you chose making it right over pride, then that says a lot about the kind of person you are.

2. Do more listening than talking. This is the hardest one because when you’re angry and they are saying something you disagree with then you want to fight back. It goes against every fibre in our being. But listening is one of the most powerful tools in arguments. I don’t mean staying quiet as they talk whilst planning what you’re going to say next. But actually listening to what they are saying and trying to understand what they are trying to communicate. Before when we argued, we’d talk over each other and get louder and louder. But recently I have physically watched Jonny calm down in front of me when he’s able to talk. In our marriage preparation course, we were advised to repeat back what that person had just said to you in your own words to show them that you had heard them and understood what they were saying. True listening makes people feel understood and once again, feeling understood just deflates people’s anger. Then you know what to apologise for and what you can change to make them feel better.

3. Be proactive about changing it. This one’s easier. If there is something we are doing or saying that is hurting someone, don’t do or say it. If there is something we’re not doing or saying, try and work out how to do or say it!

4. Time out. This is for those disagreements that you are just too angry to resolve at that current moment, usually because it’s really late and really you’re both just tired and need sleep. Sometimes it is better just to agree to take a time out, go and calm down – or sleep – or eat (hanger is real) – and come back to it at a better time where you can actually talk about it properly.

5. Going to someone who champions that person. This is different from just being bitchy. I have said this before in a previous blog but the best advice I ever received before I got married is if we ever had a disagreement, I needed to go to someone who champions Jonny. It is important to talk about what’s going on in your head, but when you are angry or confused the last thing you need is a friend who will add fuel to the fire and tell you how awful that person is. All that does is help create more issues and offence. If you go to someone who loves you both, you will be heard and supported but they will not attack your friend. They will encourage you to find a solution, maybe give your fresh perspective and good advice. Those are the kind of conversations that help save and grow healthy relationships. Find a helper, not a stirrer.

All of this is the same for resolving conflict with friends. When we are naturally having disagreements, we need to be prepared to apologise if we have hurt them. We need to be prepared to listen, to be proactive or otherwise go and calm down first and talk to someone who champions them so they will be talked about positively rather than making you more angry.

The second person is one of my best friends. When Jonny and I bought our first house together, I was still living with two of my best friends. I was going to move into our house once myself and Jonny got married. But the excitement of buying a house absolutely took over and I was there all the time, hanging out with Jonny and planning what our house would be like. This itself was totally fine obviously! But what I had started to do was get lazy with my other friends. I never went home to hang out with them. Like I talked about in my previous blog, my new significant life change was my shiny new house with my now fiancé – and that’s pretty massive! But I didn’t share it with my friends, I replaced them with it. And gradually over time my friend began to feel like she was unimportant to me. I sensed that she was annoyed and in my true passive aggressive nature, I avoided it like the plague. I tried to act normal for a few months but then eventually moaned to another friend about it. However, this other friend ended up saying something that really changed the way I thought. She said to me, “Is this worth losing your best friend over?” That was the question that made me think. Did I want to lose her? The answer was no, but that meant I had to deal with it. So eventually we ended up having a very hard and very awkward chat in the car and got everything out. We both apologised and we both got proactive with it. I made sure I made time for her and kept her involved in my life and from that moment it was literally like all the rubbish between us just disappeared. In fact we were better than ever! And since then, every now and then if there is something that has bugged us, we just talk about it, make the changes and it’s done. The beauty of it is, I know if she isn’t telling me that I’ve hurt her, then I genuinely haven’t. I know she isn’t moaning about me and there is nothing festering. It’s honest and kind and loving. What you see is what you get. There is a lot of freedom in a friendship like that. Conflict doesn’t have to be bad when you use healthy conflict resolutions. It can actually make a relationship stronger and healthier.

I just want to highlight that this doesn’t then mean you “positively confront” your friends all the time. Actually some things can be left to lie and you just need a bit of time to get over it. Realise that they haven’t done it to hurt you or annoy you, they’ve just not thought about it. I’m talking about the things that can’t be left to lie. The actions that have caused deep hurt that you just can’t seem to get over and it is started to affect how you see them. It is in that time where you need to ask yourself if it is worth losing them over? And sometimes – very rarely but sometimes – it is. Sometimes there are people who don’t actually care about you. They may use your or manipulate you. Tear you down rather than build you up and no amount of talking will change that. These are not healthy friendships and it is totally your call whether you choose to leave it or not. But if you do have a friend who has been there for you time and time again and you are just going through something, I would advise you not to give up on them just yet, because friendship is worth fighting for. Like I said at the beginning, we have no control over anyone else’s actions or responses. But what we do have control over is ours.

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Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. Ephesians 4: 29, The Bible

Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the spirit binding yourselves together with peace.

Ephesians 4:2, The Bible

Make allowance for each others faults and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from God rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace.

Colossians 3:12 – 15, The Bible

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4 – 8

Finally all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tender-hearted and keep a humble attitude. Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will bless you for it. 1 Peter 3:8, The Bible

Why do I believe in God?

13151520_10156839290570394_5721236118186120517_n (1) When I was little my mum took me to church every Sunday so from a young age I grew up believing in God. I learnt all the bible stories and knew all the songs. You don’t question an awful lot when you’re under ten. It wasn’t until I got a bit older when I started to form my own opinions about church. I remember thinking, “Actually, this is really boring and not really relevant to me!” I still went with my mum because it was important to her and it was just what we did on a Sunday, but I lost interest in the concept of God. It didn’t affect my life so I didn’t give it much thought. I started to focus on the more obvious things in my life like my friends and guys that I liked. They became the most important things to me. And the first year or two I didn’t have much to stress about. It was all good. Fast forward a couple more years though and school started getting a bit harder. Yes because the pressure to succeed grew more intense but also because people got more unashamedly opinionated about each other. I can honestly say -now being safely on the other side of it – that school is tough! I don’t just mean one particular school. I mean school in general. It’s so cliquey and exclusive and everyone is trying to impress someone just to keep a good reputation. I’ve noticed these days that young people can be really harsh and mean to each other and the crazy hormones are real and together you have the perfect recipe for a teenager who is full of insecurities.

And that was me. An insecure kid with zero confidence who cared very much about what people thought and accepted their opinions as truth. I was labelled – even by my friends – as a loud, annoying attention seeker and I truly believed that was who I was. Because you can ignore the little, quiet comments. But over time as their voices get louder and their opinions get stronger, eventually those words are all you can hear. And I let those words become my label, my truth. Become who I was.

Everyone cares
The truth is, to some level, every single one of us has felt that way. Some more than others. But even the most unexpected, confident people have cared about what people think of them at some point. Even they are affected by what people say. Sometimes you have to care about being what people think if you want to succeed in life and the second people say something negative, it affects you. ‘Popular’ people are concerned with what people think about them too. They don’t escape it either because the way to be popular is to make people like you and keep it that way. Unfortunately, school isn’t the only place full of opinions. Lots of people can receive pressure and negativity in the work place. At home. It’s all over social media, the TV and in magazines. Gossip, arguing, putting each other down. There is a certain standard for how we should look or act. It’s no wonder really why we are all worried about what everyone thinks of us.

I definitely did. All I believed was that I had a personality people didn’t like and as I had based my self-esteem on them, I got quite low for a while. Then one year I got invited to go to a Christian festival with my youth group called, ‘Soul Survivor.’ And I remember this one particular night we were all meeting in the main tent and I felt so low that I broke down. I wanted people in the youth group to come over and ask me if I was alright. To just care. But they didn’t come. And it was at that point where I felt God speak to me. It wasn’t a voice I could hear audibly. In fact the best way I can describe it is it is as if someone else was putting thoughts in my head that weren’t my thoughts. They weren’t coming from me. And I felt like God say that he created me exactly the way I am and he loved me for it. He loved me as his daughter. In that moment, everything changed for me. Suddenly I wasn’t focused on everyone else around me.

In the bible it says that God created the entire universe. That he is the King of creation. When you think about how tall the mountains stand, how deep the sea goes, how massive planets are and how the universe just seems endless, and you then think that God created all of that, is bigger than all of that, it throws everything back into perspective. He isn’t just some old guy who lives in the clouds in some nice picture books. He is the God that created the universe. He is the God that started everything with a word and could end it all with a word. And it was this God that came to me in that moment and told me, “Tiffany, I love you.” The very fact I exist is because amongst all the incredible things he created, he then thought about me. He created me because he wanted me to be a part of it all! Suddenly all the people I knew looked tiny. Their opinions were meaningless. Because if the King of creation told me he loved me as I am, then that was the only opinion that mattered.

Who is God really?
Unfortunately I think that too many people have heard different versions of what God is like. I physically cringe when I see men and women on the street shouting at people on the street, telling them God is angry at them and calling them sinners because it paints a picture that God is judgemental. It was true that you had to be perfect to make it to heaven and it was true that we probably weren’t going to make it there. It was true that we turned our backs on him and didn’t deserve to go. But God knew this and did something about it! He wasn’t an angry King who wanted to punish us, and he wasn’t a silent King who was just going to leave us to our fate. When Jesus came to this world, he showed us exactly who God really is. A Good King who loved his creation so much that he was willing to give his own life to spare ours. He took the punishment for anything we have ever done or ever will do in order to make us completely innocent because he wanted us. So now we can go to heaven because he’s given us a clean slate. This is the God I know. He loved us so much he made a way back to him and he was powerful enough to defeat death itself . He’s alive today and he wants us to know him and have a relationship with him and be there for us in our lives. It’s not about earning it or deserving it anymore. It’s not a religion. It’s a relationship.

I had fully turned by back on him and yet when it all came back to smack me in the face, he was still there loving me because it was never conditional with him. I didn’t have to do anything or be anything other than myself. I didn’t have to earn his love. He loved me regardless. And do you know what, that kind of truth changes you. It gives you a security and a confidence in yourself when you know that the King thinks you’re worth dying for. You become braver and stronger with only one label to wear. I wasn’t annoying. I was loved. I wasn’t too loud. I was loved. I wasn’t attention seeking. I didn’t need to be, because I was loved. From that point I gradually stopped seeking people’s approval because I had Gods without even trying. And he started doing wonderful things for me. Church became amazing and actually completely relevant. It was actually a place where you not only learnt about who God is, but where you could get encouraged to follow your dreams and be the best version of yourself, where you could get sound advice and wisdom for your life and on top of that, make some amazing friendships. I want to very quickly highlight that no one in any church is perfect. You do have to find the right church for you, but even that one won’t be perfect. Someone once said that if you find the perfect church, don’t join it or you’ll make it imperfect. We all do make mistakes and let each other down at times. But I can honestly say that people here do have something different because they actively try to love like Jesus! They try to forgive like him and live selflessly like him, putting others first.
To this day, I am in such a better place than where I was then. I do have an amazing group of friends and an incredible family who I love very much now, but my self-esteem isn’t based on them. And I’m sure there are definitely still people who say a lot of negative stuff about me, but it doesn’t really affect me anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I still have days where sometimes I let people get to me, but then I realise that it’s usually when I’m not spending time with God and listening to him. And what I mean by spending time is when I take time out to read the bible, pray or sing worship. God is with us all the time, but just like anyone in your life, you get to know someone better when you spend quality time with them. My husband Jonny tells me that he can actually see the difference in me when I am spending time with God and when I’m not not. When I’m not, I become a bit more insecure again. The second I spend time with him and tune into what he’s saying, I get my confidence and joy back. I get my identity back. God did that. People say God doesn’t do anything in this day and age but God did that. God changed me.

So why do I believe in God?
There is a story in the bible that sums up my point perfectly. There were two men who decided to build themselves a house. One man built his house on the sand and the other one built his house on the rock. When the storm came, the house on the sand crashed down instantly. But the house on the rock stood firm. The houses in the story are a representation of our lives, and the sand and rock are the foundations on what we choose to build our lives on. When we choose to base our happiness and self-esteem on what other people think or say like I did, we are like the man who built his house on the sand. People’s opinions change all the time. Sometimes people are for you and sometimes they are against you. Even the people that really love you can let you down because people just aren’t perfect. They can’t be there for you all day every day every time you need them because that’s just not possible or healthy. It isn’t a foundation to build your security or identity on. Because when storms come crashing into your life – break ups, exams, redundancy, being fired, bullying, betrayal, loss, illness- then your house, your life just comes crashing down. Through my life I have learnt it is God who represents the rock – the foundation to build our lives on because he is constantly there for us, constantly in our corner because his love has always been unconditional. We’ve have never had to earn it. He just does because we are his creation. I know I can trust him because his opinion of me is never going to change. There is absolutely nothing we can do that could ever stop God from loving us. No matter how many times we mess up. No matter how many times we give up on God, he doesn’t give up on us. And when the storms come, we can still be standing.

To answer the question of the heading, I believe in God because to start with he’s changed my life! I’ve learnt who he really is and who I am to him but also because I’ve seen him move in too many people’s lives to not believe. This is why I wanted to write this post. I live my life for him not because I have to, but because I want to show him I love him as well, and I wanted people to know the God I know. God didn’t shove himself on me and I don’t think he wants us to shove him on other people. I wanted people to have a choice to read or not because that’s what it is. A choice. But to speak for myself, he is the best choice I ever made.