On the 5th January this year, my cousin told me she was considering doing the Manchester Marathon. A few minutes of messages back and forth, I then received a message saying, “7th April… I just booked it!!! I feel sick.”
She told me she instantly regretted her decision and all the doubts started to creep in. She had run 13.1 miles before so this meant she was literally doubling what she had ever done before. But there was no going back now, and she had 3 months to train.
We are a generation that absolutely loves watching people use their talents. Just take a look at the crowds at the Olympics or any sporting event. See the level of support in any talent show such as ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ or ‘Britain’s got Talent.’ Take a look at cooking programmes, matches, gigs, shows, races. We love seeing people excel at what they’re good at. For some of us, it even makes us quite emotional to see someone do what they love. When we watch people use their gifts, we are watching them become completely vulnerable in front of us. They might make mistakes. They might get criticised, and yet they are allowing us to see a part of who they are anyway. When we watch others who have worked hard achieve their dreams, it does something to us emotionally. It inspires us and it fills us with joy. And that is just by watching other people! There is nothing quite like the sense of achievement we feel when we reach our own goals and achieve our dreams. It is breath taking. It gives us a boost for life and a feeling that we can do anything, that we are doing what we were meant to do. I think a reason for this is because our talents are a massive part of who we are and I genuinely believe that it is a massive reason why we were created in the first place. Our talents play a massive role in our purpose here, and therefore a massive role in our happiness.
So why do some of us find it so hard to do what we love? If there are inspiring people around us, why do we find it so hard to step out? I believe that once again, the answer lies in where we are looking.
The past
Bad past experiences can have a massive impact of whether we use our talents or not. Some of us did try and step out. Some of us did make ourselves vulnerable in front of people, did expose who we were and we got burnt. We made mistakes, we endured negative opinions and we retreated. We have grown up believing that mistakes are bad and that our value comes from the approval of others. So with humiliation and potential rejection as our experience of stepping out, why would we want to put ourselves out there again?
The future
For some people nothing bad has happened yet, and therefore we would like it to stay that way. Sometimes it is down to fear of the unknown. Fear of failure. Maybe you’ve given different things a go in private but after a few attempts you realise you’re not “very good.” Because of this, you assume that’s just not your thing and move on. Or maybe you haven’t even got as far as trying because you’re too scared you’ll look like an idiot… that you’ll find something else you can’t do. If you don’t use it, no one can touch it. If you don’t try anything, there is zero chance of making any mistakes. Again, it is that fear of being vulnerable.
I don’t know your past and the extent of how that has affected you. I also don’t know the level of anxiety you feel about failure. But I do know that when it comes to these first two barriers, they are usually very closely interlinked with this final barrier.
The opinions of others
‘If you had asked me what I loved doing, I would of said dancing… I loved to dance when I was younger. I danced all the time, anywhere and everywhere, getting involved in anything that I could. But if you asked me if I was dancing now, my answer would have been no. And the reason for this is quite simple. I cared too much about what people thought.
‘It’s Time for the Deep End’ – tiffanyjadedotblog
I don’t think I’m alone in that…
The thing about our talents is that they are a little part of who we are. They are precious to us because not only are we good at them, we enjoy them. So if anyone were to reject our talents, they would be rejecting us. We don’t want people to think that we are not good enough at our talents because that’s the thing we’re good at. So if people think we are not good at that, then what are we good at? We tell ourselves, ‘nothing.’ So to prevent this, we take our talents, the things we’re good at, the things we enjoy, and we hide them away because we are afraid of the world’s opinion.’
No one wants to be made fun of, rejected or laughed at. None of us want to feel inferior to someone else or shown up. To be made to feel that we are not good enough. It’s humiliating. Mistakes are embarrassing, and so we try to avoid that. But the problem we start to face is that by avoiding stepping out, we begin to let people control what we do or don’t do. And if our talents are a part of who we are and things we genuinely enjoy, then there is a whole part of living that we are missing out on. I didn’t touch dance for 7 years. My fear stole away 7 years of what I loved because that is what fear does. It is a thief that steals our joy.
I like the idea of being brave. If you tell a child that they have been brave, you will almost definitely see how proud they are of themselves. But what is it to be brave?
I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.
Nelson Mandela
So many people think that the definition of courage if that you aren’t afraid of anything. But that is not courage. Nelson Mandela is saying that true bravery comes when you are afraid of something, and yet you do it anyway! It is not a feeling, but an action. I have often used this quote to inspire young people to face the unknown because it is important to me for them to understand that being afraid doesn’t make them weak, but in fact can be the very thing that makes them strong. When we step out with our talents, we are closer to understanding real joy than we realised. The deep end is where we find real adventure. Where we learn more about ourselves and life than we ever could from playing it safe.
What is fear at the end of the day?
False
Evidence
Appearing
Real
The opinions of others are false evidence. Why? Because opinions are subjective. They’re inconsistent, unreliable and unsteady. Sometimes people are for you and sometimes they’re against you, and if we base our identity and belief of who we are on such an unstable foundation, we will never be able to grow. The reality of the situation is it doesn’t matter what people think. If we are to experience true happiness, we cannot let fear confine us.
It is the same with mistakes. We have grown up teaching ourselves that mistakes are bad. But in reality, mistakes are nothing to be afraid of! Mistakes are the lessons we need to take in order to learn. Find out what works and what doesn’t? You live and learn. It’s not a bad thing. In fact, it’s a great thing! Why should we let mistakes prevent us from growing? When it comes to our talents and doing what we enjoy, we cannot afford to be held back by our own insecurities formed by our past or future. We cannot afford to be held back by the opinions of others because opinions are not truth! Why should we let others steal our happiness? Why should we let them determine what we can or can’t do?
When I realised this, it freed me. Freed me to do what I loved again without the weight of other’s opinions. Instead of looking at people with similar talents and seeing them as competitors, I saw them as inspirations. If they had got to where they are through hard work, I had to put the work in too if I wanted to be as good. If I gave up, how could I ever achieve my dreams? We were different. I was me and they were them, and both were beautiful. We all brought something different to the table.” In the brilliant film, ‘Eddie the Eagle,’ a man is told time and time again that he would never be an Olympian. But he defied all odds and did it anyway, because he realised, “Only you can hold yourself back.”
“A true Olympian is not just about a God given skill set. It’s about never giving up no matter what.”
Eddie the Eagle (Film)
A life of adventure
In her 3 months of preparation, my cousin faced an injury and many struggles along the way. But on the 7th April, she ran her marathon. She ran 26 miles in 4:38. I have never been so proud of her in my life. The support in Manchester was amazing. Crowds filled the streets, thousands of people cheering on complete strangers. It is true that you shouldn’t let people control your life, but a lot of the time when you step out, people end up being more supportive than you thought they’d be. After her race, she told us she would never do anything like that again. I laughed and told her that was a load of rubbish. She had the bug for running and it was only a matter of time before she signed up for another race. And guess what? On the 10th April she had signed up for next years Manchester Marathon! The realisation of what she’d done had sunk in and this time she didn’t just want to complete the race. She wanted to beat her time. She is an inspiration to so many of us now because she is someone who faced her fear of failure and overcame it. She didn’t just dip her toe into the deep end. She dived in and now she is one of the 1% in the UK that has competed in a marathon.
There are other barriers to why we don’t do what we love. Whether that be due to lack of time, energy, inspiration or motivation. If you want to read more about them or go into more depth about what I have written about today, then you can read both, ‘It’s time for the deep end,’ and ‘Finding what you love,’ on my blog page. But to round this up, my advice would be to stop looking at your past, or at the future, or at everyone else around you, and instead look at the gifts you have been given yourself. Take them and run with them. Make mistakes. Learn from those mistakes. Grow. Achieve. You be you and live your best life. Be thankful. Be happy. Adventure starts today.
Tiffany Jade 